Britannia waives the rules

As much as we love Eurovision, cheap flights and holidays, the European Union has always been a bureaucratic nightmare! And we in the UK seem to be a nation of bureaucrats, so our government has always been first to adopt such stupid regulations as banning things on health grounds, killing every creature on our farms because of a local outbreak of disease, identity cards - and of course, metrication.

Now we hear that the EU itself has apparently confirmed that Britain can "keep imperial measurements as it would make it easier for firms to sell to the US".

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Claiming this as a victory for the so-called "Metric Martyrs", the Tories are hailing this landmark for Britain's influence in Europe as a monumental U-turn.

Thank heavens! I can still measure the distance between towns in miles, my weight in stones, and cocks in inches!

And mine's still a pint - CHEERS!



Makes you wonder why we embraced it so enthusiastically in the first place, doesn't it?

An eccentric life in hats

Such sad news today, as I learned about the mysterious death of Isabella Blow, eccentric style icon and living embodiment of how Philip Treacy hats SHOULD be worn!

I still have an enduring image of when we saw Isabella at Paddington station, surrounded by trunks, hat boxes and flustered porters, on her way to her train. She looked every inch the glamorous star - a little more steam and whistles and you would have sworn it was Marlene Dietrich in "Shanghai Express"...

The world is a little less stylish, just a little less fun without her.
RIP.

Read her obituary in the Guardian

Love bites?

Eurggh! The latest research into therapies for impotence has found that the bite of the Brazilian wandering spider causes erections...

Personally I reckon the bite of a Brazilian boy would work better, and probably less painfully!

Caption this!

Just a fabulous photo, that is crying out for some kind of caption competition!

Yum yum...

I'm serious as cancer when I say Rhythm Is A Dancer

BBC Radio 6 has been running a poll on the worst song lyrics ever! The shortlist is below.

My choice has to be a toss-up between Des'ree and Snap!... aargh!

ABC - That Was Then But This Is Now
More Sacrifices than an Aztec priest,
Standing here straining at that leash,
All fall down,
Can't complain, mustn't grumble,
Help yourself to another piece of apple crumble

Snap - Rhythm Is A Dancer
I'm as serious as cancer,
When I say Rhythm is a Dancer.

Human League - The Lebanon
Before he leaves the camp he stops,
He scans the world outside,
And where there used to be some shops,
Is where the snipers sometimes hide.

Razorlight - Somewhere Else
And I met a girl,
she asked me my name,
I told her what it was.

Duran Duran - Is There Something I Should Know?
And firey demons all dance when you walk through that door,
Don't say you're easy on me you're about as easy as a nuclear war.
 
Oasis - Champagne Supernova
Slowly walking down the hall,
Faster than a cannonball,
Where were you when we were getting high?

Des'ree - Life
I don't want to see a ghost,
It's the sight that I fear most,
I'd rather have a piece of toast,
Watch the evening news.

Black Sabbath - War Pigs
Generals gathered in their masses,
Just like witches at black masses.
 
Toto - Africa
The wild dogs cry out in the night,
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company,
I know that I must do what's right,
Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.
 
U2 - Elevation
I've got no self control,
Been living like a mole now,
Going down, excavation,
High and high in the sky,
You make me feel like I can fly,
So high,
Elevation

The winner will be announced in Marc Riley's Brain Surgery on BBC Radio 6 between 7pm - 9pm on Friday 4 May. Unlistenable, I'd imagine...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/6music/shows/brain_surgery/

Dumb musicals overload

Why is mainstream entertainment so lacking in imagination and creativity these days? Are we suffering the result of a generation brought up on MTV, whose idea of "epic" is a television series starring Kiefer Sutherland, whose idea of "diva" is Beyonce Knowles, and genuinely does not know that the DaVinci Code is not a true story...?

My greatest bugbear at the moment is the increasingly banal state of theatre - in particular the concept of what exactly constitutes a "musical". Lightweight dross like "We Will Rock You" and "Mamma Mia" are international success stories, and lately we have had musicals based upon the dubious talents of Rod Stewart, Billy Joel, and (gulp) Boney M!



Now I read with horror of plans for "Shrek - the musical", following hard on the heels of "Lord Of The Rings - the musical", and even "Legally Blonde - the musical" (which was universally panned even in the culturally light USA):

Shrek

Legally Blonde

Lord of the Rings

Is nothing sacred any more? Why can't we find writers these days of the calibre of Cole Porter, Gershwin, Bernstein or Sondheim...

And what next? "The Queen - the musical"? "Laurence of Arabia - the musical"? "Guantanamo - the musical"?

Mein Kampf is still published

If there is one thing I loathe more than anything else (as a former journalist) it is a sanctimonious right-wing newspaper with a captive audience of small-minded people. And of course there cannot be another more reprehensible example of this than the Daily/Sunday Mail.



The Mail has a long history (mainly under the mad Lord Beaverbrook) of Nazi-loving self righteousness, and it is the ultimate beloved read of all those hideous bigots out there - in the church, the BNP and the far reaches of the high Tory hereditary Lords. Its writers to a person are completely clueless - and the constant anti-immigrant, anti-gay, anti-urbanite, anti-luvvie, pro-hunting, pro-home-owning upper middle class scaremongering tone of the paper loves nothing less than scoring a new scalp.

Recently George Michael and (inevitably) the BBC suffered the wrath of the Mail's vultures. Today's scalp is Lord Browne of BP, who admittedly is a deeply unpleasant character in charge of a hideous company, but has now been publicly been strung up by the fact that (shock horror!) he is GAY and happened to try and cover up his relationship with a money grubbing little shit of a boyfriend who has decided to sell his soul to this devil of a "newspaper".

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It almost makes you want to agree with Ken Livingstone!