Avoid sweating men and produce-fondlers

A woman who nipped into Tesco to pick up a few bits has returned home with eight different contagious illnesses, she has confirmed. 

Nikki Hollis, who needed milk, pancakes and a mint Aero, was infected with multiple variants of the common cold, the flu, Covid, and what she fears may be norovirus from the horde of disease-ridden celebrants cluttering the aisles.

She said: “Well, that’s me fucked for the next month. And everyone I work with and everyone on the Christmas do tomorrow night, because I’m not missing it.

“I knew I’d get something, obviously, because Britain is a petri-dish of plague. But I thought I’d get three colds maximum. An infection rate of four per minute seems excessive.

“But after I’d passed the old woman coughing, the toddler sneezing, the gaggle of sweating men and the produce-fondlers, I’d picked up a bonanza of bacteria, viruses and everything in-between.

“I expect they’ll be good enough to strike me serially, rather than all at once. A week of scratchy throats and aching muscles, then a week of chills and headaches, then the vomiting will begin. And that’s how I’ll see in the new year.”

She added: “I’ve planned three nights out and a day at the Christmas market for the next week. Well, it’s better to give than receive.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

You. Were. Warned!