Socially inept weirdo with an exhaustive knowledge of Blake’s 7

Five of the best haircuts if you never want to have sex again

Exhausted by all the sex you’re getting? Start living like a monk by asking your barber for these hairstyles.

Bowl cut
Despite being practical, the sex appeal of the bowl cut remains non-existent. Generations of nerds have persisted with trying to make this haircut work by insisting that women look past it and focus on their personalities instead. Unfortunately anyone with a bowl cut is a socially inept weirdo with an exhaustive knowledge of Blake’s 7, meaning they don’t even get a handjob.

Mullet
Even in the Eighties the mullet was a risky move when it comes to getting laid. Pair it with a Lamborghini Countach and a pastel jacket with the sleeves rolled up and you could be in there. Sadly, if you try any of that shit today you’ll be slinking back home alone to perform an online age verification test.

Mum cut
Mums are too busy running households and picking up the slack of their deadbeat husbands to engage in anything as trivial and time-wasting as having sex. This is why they purposefully get their locks hacked into unattractive choppy bobs that don’t suit the shape of their face. If a mum decides to grow her hair out again, it’s because she’s gearing up for an affair.

Whatever you were rocking as a teenager
Despite being surrounded by people who were a similar cocktail of desperate hormones, you never did manage to get any action as a teenager. This wasn’t just because you were a precocious teen, your greasy shoulder-length curtains, unflattering fringe and clumsily gelled-up quiff played their part too. Get back on your dry spell by bringing them back.

Dreadlocks (if you’re white)
Forget about whether or not dreadlocks are a hygienic hairstyle. Their repellent quality actually lies in telling people that they’re not cultural appropriation because Vikings used to wear them. Even if you’ve got the most charming, charismatic personality, nobody is willing to put up with your condescending and dubious lectures. Plus they just look shit on you.

The Daily Mash

Of course.