The crucial element of the southern European diet that keeps natives so attractively thin is not olive oil or leafy vegetables but endless cigarettes.
Proponents of the Mediterranean diet claim emulating Spanish and Italian consumption of legumes, seeds and fruit will help you get skinny, but researchers have found their ceaseless consumption of Marlboro Lights has more to do with it.
Dr Helen Archer explained: “Northern Europeans lusting after sexy, olive-skinned Mediterraneans in skimpy swimwear have always wondered what their secret is. Turns out it’s fags.
“We experimented with two groups. One who ate nothing but sardines and artichokes in olive oil. The other who ate whatever the fuck they wanted and smoked four packs a day.
“By week three, the smokers would slip effortlessly among the bathing beauties on a St Tropez beach, while the healthy eaters were more Margate than Montpellier.”
“Turns out it’s not visiting the vegetable aisle but going to the counter that sells the scratchcards that does the trick. You die early, sure, but you die thin so who gives a shit?”
Sophie Rodriguez of Seville said: “Duh. All of my friends back home eat nothing but kebabs. The difference is they eat them between inhaling Camel Blues.”
Of course.
What about all the smoking tourists from other countries. Shouldn’t they all be skinny?
ReplyDeleteOh, sweet mystery of life. Jx
DeleteI knew I quit smoking too soon! (j/k) xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm still a "Puffing Billy", and I'm hardly svelte... Jx
DeleteSo true, I took my last puff on millennium eve just before the big dongs at midnight weighing a sylphlike 11 stone, I can remember my last ciggie it was a roll-up, golden Virginia, without filter, cadged off a friend, v. common I know but needs must, 4 months later I had gained a massive 3 and a half stone, I had ballooned to 14 stone 6! Living on a diet of pick n mixes from Woolies, buttermint bonbons and Lutti Fruitinettes my favourites, I couldn't get them down my neck quick enough. I saw the errors of my ways after I was shunned at a sauna so I joined a gym and got my figure back.
ReplyDeleteI'd have gone onto Capstan Full Strength and given up the pick'n'mix, myself. Jx
DeleteI have smoked in the past but it was more social back then. A diet of mostly black coffee seems to work well though as a substitute.
ReplyDeleteThe former leads to fewer shakes than the latter, I find. Jx
DeleteI kept a grip on my weight when I gave up smoking - seems I have more will power than I thought. Sort of. I eventually gave in to vaping, I guess I just like sucking on things.
ReplyDeleteSx
Oo-er, Ms Scarlet! Jx
DeleteGave the things up on my flight home in 1979. I did have to light up (and blow smoke rings!!) on stage, two nights. Damn' near finished me off!
ReplyDeleteI remember being amazed at cinema smoking when I arrived in London (the swinging 60s) No smoking in theatres, but scruffy Gaumont or posh Odeon, you could light up and chain smoke through the entire movie!
When I was growing up, smoking was everywhere - cinemas, pubs, restaurants, cafes, upstairs on buses, hospitals (they always had smoking rooms), trains, hotels, offices... I can remember being at work and when the phone rang, we'd always light up in case it was going to be a long call.
DeleteHow times change. Jx
Smoking is nasty. It still looks cool, though. I remember... I smoked for ten years. I loved to watch the smoke curl. It made me feel mysterious. I smelled like an ashtray... but in black in white? I looked marvelous. Kizzes.
ReplyDeleteEverything's better in black and white! Smoking, hats and gloves, New York... Jx
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