Wednesday, 9 October 2019

It's not going to change me


A total numpty who has won £170m on the Lottery has claimed he will not let it change him, even though that is manifestly the whole point.

Nathan Muir of Peterborough, who should by rights be leaving his hometown on a private jet right now and never looking back, has instead claimed he will continue to be the same person even though he has more than enough cash not to be.

Muir said: “£170 million’s not going to change me. I’ll still go on holiday to a static caravan in Great Yarmouth for two weeks every summer, like a total dickhead.

“I’ll still drink in the same pub with the same mates, as if that were a definite choice I made in life and not just what I ended up doing because of a lack of other options.

“And I’m definitely not leaving Peterborough, even though I’m only here by an accident of birth and it’s shit. No, this win won’t change me at all.”


Muir then left the press conference only to return 40 seconds later, adding: “Wait. It’s just hit me. All that’s over.

“Fuck everyone I ever knew. I’m divorcing the wife, buying a massive yacht and never laying eyes on a shithole like Great Yarmouth ever again.”
The Daily Mash

Of course.

I haven't had an email from the Lottery people.

Again.

16 comments:

  1. Divorcing the wife? NO! Have her bumped off, it'll be cheaper.

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    1. It's true, but most people would wait till they got a win slightly bigger than a "free Lucky Dip" before entering into a contract with a hitman. Jx

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  2. Fancy not wanting to keep the little caravan in Great Yarmouth!

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    1. I've never been to Great Yarmouth, but I can quite believe that it probably is a shithole. Jx

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    2. I am rather ashamed to admit that I've been to Yarmouth (it's not Great) several times (mainly down to its proximity), and it is, in fact, a shithole.
      Well, it was. I haven't been in several years, and it did seem to be getting a little better as time went on, so it might be acceptable now? (It does - or did have - a nice SeaLife Centre, and a lovely butterfly house).

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    3. "More of the third of the creatures at the Great Yarmouth Sea Life Centre in Norfolk died between 2015-16 - reportedly due to the 'water quality'". Apparently.

      Say no more. Jx

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  3. I have fond memories of Great Yarmouth it used to have the best waxwork museum in the country House of Wax haven't been for a couple of years when I do go I like to stay at Knight's Court away from the egg and chip brigade. Blackpool, now that is a shithole with bells on.

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    1. I went to Blackpool once. It was November. Bleak is not the word... Jx

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  4. A gentleman who worked with my father once won 2 million in the lottery. He was very close to retirement so stayed on for another two years. During that time, he continued to come to work on time and remain faithful to performing his duties. His attitude sure changed though. He told supervisors just what he thought and didn't hold back.

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    1. What a waste of 2 million. Imagine how much happier he would have been never to have a supervisor to deal with ever again! Jx

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  5. I have never been to Great Yarmouth, is it like the Isle of Sheppey?
    £170 million. Sigh.
    Sx

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    1. They're probably twin towns, I imagine. With £170 million in the bank, I'd never ben inclined to find out. Jx

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  6. I had email yesterday telling me 1,376,898 euros had been deposited into my Bitcoin account. THAT won’t change me. (I don’t have a Bitcoin account.) About 30 years ago, and American woman won $62 million. When asked what she was going to do, she said, “I’m gonna buy me a new double-wide!”

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    1. Oh, I "love" all that junk email crap - apprently I am eligible for a new car/viagra/sex with a woman called Samantha every other day.

      WTF is a "double-wide"? Is it an item of clothing for someone who eats too many burgers?

      Jx

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  7. It should have been us ! If I had bought a ticket that is.

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