Sunday, 23 January 2022

Roll up, roll up!

Fairgrounds are only worth going to if they look so ramshackle that you are in genuine fear for your life, it has been confirmed.

They are also much more entertaining when the rides are controlled by shirtless tattooed youths who are only interested in flirting with young women and could not give a fuck about your safety.

Funfair attendee Jack Browne said: “Feeling that at any moment the seat belt on the pendulum ride might break and you’ll fall to your death and be crushed by the mechanism is where the amusement lies.

“I don’t want my fun to be sanitised. I want to see sheared-off bolts and missing wheels on the waltzer just as it’s too late to change my mind and get off, while a man booms ‘Scream if you wanna go faster!’ over a pounding techno track.

“My personal favourite ride is the ‘biscuit tin’ where there are no straps and you’re relying purely on centrifugal force to stop you being flung out and spread like jam across the car park of the local leisure centre.

“And then you round the night off by purchasing a hotdog with a 96 per cent chance of giving you food poisoning. Bliss.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.


  1. One push on the waltzers by a tattooed roustabout and I'm all his. Scream if you want to go faster!

  2. Once upon a time
    Many years ago
    Lived a fair princess
    Hating to confess
    Loneliness was torturing her so
    Then a gipsy came
    Called to her by name
    Wooed her with a song
    Sensuous and strong
    All the summer long;
    Her passion seemed to tremble like a living flame

    Play to me beneath the Summer moon


  3. I rather love fairs. I feel bad for the animals. I avoid all the food because it's very rare you find anything a vegetarian can actually digest. The rides now terrify me because my balance in the center of my head is so bad I go off at the slightest sideways wobble. And there are always way too many people, most dressed so poorly you wonder what kind of rags they wear when they are out of the public eye. Ah, yes. Fairs. I just adore them.

    1. There are no animals at this type of funfair, apart from the people, of course. Jx

  4. Yep, I remember those travelling fairs that came to town every summer - I'm surprised I lived to tell the tale -and there was a young man!

    1. We had a May Fair every year - plenty of high-risk dangerous rides, but unfortunately no young man for me. Sniff, sniff. Jx


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