An uptight bed showroom is stupidly not letting customers find out how good the mattresses are for shagging on.The Daily MashHannah Tomlinson was planning to buy a new mattress with boyfriend Ryan Whittaker when the couple were told they could only test the mattresses by lying side-by-side, fully clothed and not engaging in penetrative sex.
Tomlinson said: “Isn’t sex one of the main things a bed is for? You don’t know how well you’re going to sleep from briefly lying on a mattress, but I could find out in three minutes if it’s going to make my knees uncomfortable when I’m on top.
“All we need to test it is a few screens for privacy and a little mood music. They could even leave the plastic wrap on so the mattress wipes clean.
“We’re going to spend £800 on one of these things and keep it for ten years. What if it’s got squeaky springs and we’re condemned to a decade of the neighbours hearing exactly what rhythm we need to get off?
“It’s just sexually repressed if you ask me. It’s a warehouse full of beds but the ads only mention sleep and orthopaedics. Are mattresses only bought by chiropractors in loveless marriages?”
Sales assistant Martin Bishop said: “Sorry, it’s just policy. We used to let people fuck on the beds but not everyone looks like a porn star so staff were having to take time off with PTSD.”
Of course.
We could hear our neighbours through the wall - it sounded like sawing. I wondered why they were doing DIY at 1am, and then the penny dropped.
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I remember my Nana, when she had new neighbours, saying to my Mother she was worried because she could hear whimpering noises and thought "he was hitting her". Mam had to explain "that's not hitting..." Jx
DeleteWhen I lived in Hull, many years ago, I would often hear retching sounds coming from next door, on one occasion I put a glass against the wall and I heard him say "Where do you want it" and she said "On me tits".
ReplyDeleteHull is renowned for its sheer class. Jx
Deletei don't know anyone who would have sex in a mattress department.
ReplyDeleteI could think of at least one - a mutual friend? Jx
DeleteI was thinking how almost always the people who want to be naked in public are rarely the one you want to see when I got to the last paragraph. The Daily Mash, coming through once again.
ReplyDeleteIt nails the truth in its satire! Jx
DeleteI've had noisy neighbours at times. I lost so much sleep at one flat I asked my boss if I could cover night shifts for a while- at least that way, I could sleep!
ReplyDeleteHa! Must have been a cushy job... Jx
DeleteThe mash has a point.
ReplyDeleteGone are the days when they were scrubbing the stains out of the mattresses at John Lewis. Jx
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