The UK is being hit by a storm called Bert that takes five sugars in its tea, smokes indoors and wears a flat cap without a hint of irony.
Storm Bert will arrive in working-class areas of Scotland and the North tomorrow, making a terrible mess and tracking crap all over your carpet, but will do so with such no-nonsense bluntness that you will be powerless to say anything.
Eleanor Shaw of Lancaster said: “Oh dear, not Bert. I fear he’s going to be rather plain-speakingly destructive.
“We may be in the North but we own a £535,000 detached home in its own grounds, so we rather got on with Storm Fergus last year. And we actually invited Storm Henk to come back in summer.
“But Bert sounds like he’ll do terrible damage to our Edwardian frontage and I’ll just have to laugh it off because I don’t want to seem a snob. ‘Oh Bert, you’re a force of nature!’ I’ll guffaw while inwardly seething.”
Meteorologist Dr Helen Archer said: “I’m afraid I can confirm that Bert will be a gruff storm with no time for niceties who will not even notice that he has flattened your imported fuchsias and blown the French windows right through.
“However after Bert it’s Conall. Irish gentleman, lovely lilt to the voice you’ll hear on the wind, reminds you of 'Normal People'. Wear your nice maxi-dress.”
Of course.
And we know a song about 'im, don't we, kiddy-winkies..?
[The "real" story]
Ye gods! That takes me back. Dear papa used to do Burlington Bertie after a couple of drinks. And I must have picked up a couple of lines from a song about the "one-eyed riley" because Mother suggested that perhaps some songs were best sung when Dinah was fast asleep...
ReplyDeleteI had to look up "One-Eyed Riley" - it seems to be a filthy song from some country-or-other's navy. Not British, though, so it's not surprising I had never heard of it. Jx
DeleteUnrelated, but Mitzi recently recommended Royal Otis's cover of Murder on the Dance Floor and she was absolutely right, it's a banger, as the youth of today would say.
ReplyDeleteThe youth of today AND MrDevice... Jx
DeleteBertie just wouldn't shut up last night and kept waking me up - I told him to leave my frontage alone and I wasn't interested.
ReplyDeleteSx
He's been having a go at our bushes, too. Uncouth! Jx
DeleteHere in the far eastiest bit of Britain, Storm Bert is little more than a slightly blustery damp squib. However, I'm not feeling left out as I have a small, scruffy, Storm Bertie who makes a terrible mess ALL the time, tracked mud and crap all over the carpet yesterday, and also stank of smoke (he'd been outside while someone's bonfire smoke blew into the garden).
ReplyDelete"Storm Bitey" sounds more destructive. As for smoking, perhaps you should suggest he use patches? Jx
DeleteI am pleased that Bert didn't venture down to London but stayed 'Up North' were he felt at home.
ReplyDeleteHe gave us a few windy moments as he passed by... Jx
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