P'raps you've heard of me: Bert

The UK is being hit by a storm called Bert that takes five sugars in its tea, smokes indoors and wears a flat cap without a hint of irony.

Storm Bert will arrive in working-class areas of Scotland and the North tomorrow, making a terrible mess and tracking crap all over your carpet, but will do so with such no-nonsense bluntness that you will be powerless to say anything.

Eleanor Shaw of Lancaster said: “Oh dear, not Bert. I fear he’s going to be rather plain-speakingly destructive.

“We may be in the North but we own a £535,000 detached home in its own grounds, so we rather got on with Storm Fergus last year. And we actually invited Storm Henk to come back in summer.

“But Bert sounds like he’ll do terrible damage to our Edwardian frontage and I’ll just have to laugh it off because I don’t want to seem a snob. ‘Oh Bert, you’re a force of nature!’ I’ll guffaw while inwardly seething.”

Meteorologist Dr Helen Archer said: “I’m afraid I can confirm that Bert will be a gruff storm with no time for niceties who will not even notice that he has flattened your imported fuchsias and blown the French windows right through.

“However after Bert it’s Conall. Irish gentleman, lovely lilt to the voice you’ll hear on the wind, reminds you of 'Normal People'. Wear your nice maxi-dress.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

And we know a song about 'im, don't we, kiddy-winkies..?

Julie Andrews - Burlington Bertie from Bow

[The "real" story]