Making a fuss about shit like this

PETA have claimed a pub called ‘The Sly Old Fox’ is offensive to foxes. Which is a great way to stop people taking you seriously and presumably means these names are unacceptable too…

Ye Olde Fighting Cocks, St. Albans
Not only does this promote the cruel practice of cock fighting, it suggests that the cocks are old, which is ageist and therefore discriminatory. Have they considered that older cocks might be good at fighting, due to their wisdom and experience? Or that old cocks can be just as beautiful as young ones? It worked with human models on that Dove soap advert, so there’s no reason there can’t be sexy older chickens.

The Dirty Duck, Stratford-Upon-Avon
Ducks are incredibly clean creatures because they spend the majority of their time in water, so suggesting they are dirty is incredibly offensive. No, at PETA we are not interested in the fact that this pub name is actually a humorous play on the original name ‘The Black Swan’. We have no time for comedy, just earnest weirdness that turns people right off us.

The Jolly Gardeners, Putney
Extremely patronising about a vital working-class occupation. Just because they’re gardeners, it doesn’t mean they’re jolly. In fact they’re probably miserable because they work for a rich landowner who has appropriated their land through enclosure and now they earn a pittance. What do you mean, it’s just a silly pub name? How dare you minimise the struggle of the proletariat?

John the Unicorn, Peckham
Firstly, unicorns don’t exist, so someone is being cruel to a horse by sticking a twirly horn on it. And secondly, anthropomorphising animals by giving them humans names is barbaric. Especially a boring name like John. At PETA we prefer upper-class names like Orlando. Change it to ‘Orlando the Horse Wearing Fancy Dress Against His Will’, and we’ll forgive you.

The Lad in the Lane, Erdington
Why is there a lad in the lane? Where are his parents? Why are you all getting drunk when a child safeguarding issue is taking place in front of you? There has probably been a dangerous TikTok trend featuring lads in lanes. Social media should be banned, and any parents who give their children a smartphone reported to the police. Are we taking this ridiculously seriously when there are more important things going on in the world? Honestly, how dare you?

The Three-Legged Mare, York
Is it really necessary to point out that this particular mare only has three legs? It seems a bit ableist, and no doubt the mare has other distinguishing features beyond only having three legs. For example, perhaps she is good at sudoku or has a particularly lustrous mane. Look, you can keep saying we’re undermining our cause by making a fuss about shit like this, but we won’t listen.

The Daily Mash

Of course.