Wednesday, 15 May 2019

Bigger than you or pie

To quote the random narrator (Tom Baker) from Little Britain:
"Britain, Britain, Britain. We've had running water for over ten years, we have a tunnel connecting us to Peru, and we invented the cat."
So, with recommendations like that for The Greatest Country On Earth ©, why, oh why do we do so badly at the Eurovision Song Contest? We put forward a faboo "entertainment combo" such as Scooch. Nada. Cult belter Bonnie Tyler? Nope. Award-winning vocal legend Engelbert Humperdick? Zilch. Sexy Top Ten boyband Blue? Ignored. "Serious" contenders such as Lucie Jones, Surie or Jade Ewen? Rejected.

We know Europe's politicians hate us. We know the Song Contest is inevitably full of cliques (the Scandi-bloc, the Adriatic neighbours, the former Soviets etc), but even so...

This year we pin our hopes on the sonorous tonsils of the rotund Michael Rice to turn this situation around for us - if only. If only. I am personally not that keen on his song, but we rather hope it may impress the judges and the voting audience.

Here's the remix version, which is a tad more bearable that the one we'll hear on Saturday:

Wish us luck, dears.


  1. What about Jemini when they bagged the much coveted nil points.

    'why do we do so badly at the Eurovision Song Contest?' I hear you ask. Well, for the past 22 years all of our entries have been complete and utter shit and I include this year's entrant too, dull as ditch water, the 7th heaven club mix would have earned him extra points but as always I think we'll end up finishing on the right had side of the score board as usual.

    My vote goes to Iceland.

    Italy will probably win it.

    1. We dream of a Love Shine A Light moment again! It won't happen, of course, as you quite rightly observe.

      Thankfully, I have spared myself the torment of listening to many of the entries - it is a far more entertaining "thrill" to hear the crap-fest for the first time on the night itself, at our party - but whoever wins, we'll be so shit-faced by that stage it won't matter much. It's an excuse for bloody good party!


  2. If this is what you're pinning your hopes on, you'll need all our luck indeed.

  3. "Why, oh why do we do so badly?" I think you're asking the wrong question. Perhaps, "why, oh why do we bother?" would be more apt?

    Actually, it does give us an excuse to have a party and get "shit-faced", so there is that, at least.

    1. That is it, summed up in its entirety. It would be unbearable to watch Eurovision sober.

      It's like a car crash - you just can't help staring at it, mouth agape... Jx

  4. I'm not fond of this year's tune either. There's been a few UK entries that I've really liked [at the time!] such as Frances Ruffelle. We should send in Gary Barlow or Robbie Williams and have done with it.

    1. We could send Robbie Williams in a duet with Beyoncé, with Ariana Grande on backing vocals, and we'd still get "nil points" from France - and remain "in the right hand column"... Jx


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