It's all good clean fun

It's getting to the stage now when everyone is in a "bit of a mood", methinks. We've been sat here on our arses, hiding from the world since the middle of March, and now it's nearly the Festering Season. The vaccine is tantalisingly in our sights, but just when are we going to get our "little prick"? The Americans are all tearing their hair out - either because the orange twat won't leave office, or else they think the elderly gent didn't win the election he - ahem - won. Here, everyone's completely confused what the fuck is going on with our divorce from the European conglomerate without casualties - and still the papers are just filled with drivel like The Vicar of Dibley "taking the knee" and Wills'n'Kate's "goodwill tour" being too expensive. All anyone can think of to get as Xmas presents are "amusing facemasks", because we can't go and see anyone anyway, our own Grand New Year's Eve Ball here at Dolores Delargo Towers is a long-shelved ambition, and our annual February pilgrimage to Spain is most likely not going to happen in 2021 either.

So, bollocks to it all! - sharing her day with a host of "names" such as Dame Judi Dench, Donny Osmond, John Malkovich, Elisabeth Schwarzkopf, Joan Armatrading (70 today!), Neil Innes, John Milton, Kirk Douglas, John Cassavetes, Margaret Hamilton, Bob Hawke, Joshua Bell, Beau Bridges, Michael Dorn (aka "Worf"), Joanna Trollope, Felicity Huffman, Billy Bremner, Jean-Claude Juncker, Imogen Heap, Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and frozen food magnate Clarence Birdseye...

... let's let birthday girl (and house favourite) Hermione Gingold loose with the vitriol, and cheer us up in her own inimitable way!

Hermione Gingold - The Borgias Are Having an Orgy

The Borgias are having an orgy
There's a Borgia Orgy tonight
And isn't it sickening,
We've run out of strychnine
The gravy will have to have ground glass for thickening
The poisoned chianti is terribly scanty,
but everything else is alright
There's arsenic mixed in the mock turtle soup
I've hidden an asp in the iced cantaloupe
And straight benzedrine in the apricot coupe
At the Borgia Orgy tonight.

Our guests are exclusively chosen
From people who give us a pain
The cream of the joke is the knowledge
That they won't come here again.
We'll all be most frightfully hearty
At the Borgia Orgy tonight
For the Duke's eldest son
There's a monstrous cream bun
Soaked in hot prussic acid
It's all good clean fun

The tank in the ladies
Will blow them to Hades
If anyone turns on the light
The bodies will fall through a trap door below
To the Tiber and drift out to sea on the flow.
We think we can promise a jolly good show
At the Borgia Orgy tonight.

We revel in giving a party
A fete or a fancy dress ball
There's always a nice game of Bingo
And a good time had by all
The Borgias are giving an orgy
There's a Borgia Orgy tonight
I've Poisson Domaine
That will rack them with pain
We've nothing to lose
And a whole lot to gain

We are pushing some people we know off a steeple
It should be a wonderful sight
We've bricked up some cousins of ours in a wall
Their agonized cries won't disturb us at all
As we sit here sipping our wormwood and gall
It's delicious!
At the Borgia Orgy tonight

We've got all the nobles of Naples
For the Borgia Orgy tonight
The soup minestrone is frightfully phony
And laudanum reeks in the stewed macaroni
We are feeling no pain
When they eat the henbane
In the third tangerine from the right
When the butler flings open the dining room door
There's a cunning contraption
Concealed in the floor
We wonder who will sit on the circular saw
At the Borgia Orgy tonight.

Fabulosa.