Trying to get her to talk out of both sides of her face

Liz Truss has confirmed that she hopes to develop a facial expression which is not deeply unnerving by December.

Pictured on today’s front pages celebrating the achievement of a lifetime ambition with the face of a woman smiling through a cigarette burn, work has already begun to achieve something recognisable to actual humans.

A Downing Street insider said: “400 civil servants have been pulled off whatever else they were working and onto this. It may not be enough.

“The problem is that she views emotion as weakness so she neither feels anything nor publicly expresses it. All she really does is pull faces like a chimp in front of a mirror, and it shows.

“There’s a team working full-time on trying to get her to talk out of both sides of her face, another one trying to eliminate the head-tilt, but facial expressions is the real job. Our target is a smile by Christmas and sympathetic sadness by March, when the deaths come.

“They’ve committed £6 billion already, but apparently the spend’s bottomless for this one. Will it work? Of course it won’t. It’s a massive public-funded Tory project, they never do.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[Our new Prime Minister has arrived...]