Gardeners’ World role-play

Just because your body is failing it doesn’t mean you aren’t still a highly sexual being. But you might find these erotic aids necessary.

Gardening kneeler
Ready to perform oral sex on your partner but worried about the havoc the floorboards will play with your creaking knees? Nip to the shed first and bring the foam kneeler back to the bedroom. You could even indulge in some kinky Gardeners’ World role-play while you’re at it.

Sugar-free lube
In your youth, you’d think nothing of going down on a partner mid-intercourse, and perhaps inadvertently ingesting some lubricant. However, now that your friend Martin has been diagnosed as pre-diabetic, you’re increasingly worried about your sugar intake. You don’t have it in your tea so you’re certainly not having it during sex.

Industrial strength underwired lingerie
It’s nice to dress up for your partner but now that middle-aged spread has really kicked in you can’t be doing with skimpy, lacy underwear. You need something that can hold those breasts in shape even when you’re hanging backwards off the bed. Marks & Spencer is your friend.

Shower handrail
Shower sex is dangerous at the best of times, but when you’re gruesomely unfit it’s lethal. Having something to grasp hold of will enable you to at least try to bang away safely, and it’s a good investment for when you’re genuinely geriatric and every shower is dicing with death.

Shoehorn
You love wearing those sexy stilettos but they’re an arse to get on nowadays as you can’t bend like you used to. A shoehorn will enable you to slip them on with ease, and can also double as a paddle if your partner fancies some light spanking.

Massive vibrator
Yeah, it’s fun while you’re having sex, but a huge vibrating dildo really comes into its own for the middle-aged after the shagging has happened when you use it to massage your aching muscles. In fact, most of the time you forego the sex bit altogether, as there’s no pleasure greater than having your partner get those knots out of your lower back.

The Daily Mash

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