Saturday, 28 November 2020

No garden sheds covered in LEDs

A town that usually hosts a Christmas market is enjoying being free of that shit for a year.

Residents of Whitby are in universal agreement that the absence of tacky stalls and throngs of shoppers pissed on mulled wine is actually preferable to having them.

Resident Martin Bishop said: “The bleak weather makes town look even more empty and desolate than usual. It’s a miserable sight that warms my heart.

“Usually at this time of year I have to barge my way through swarms of twats by windmilling my fists, but now I stroll down the street swinging my arms around without a care in the world.

“Except for coronavirus and the impending economic collapse, obviously.”

Local shopkeeper Donna Sherridan said: “You’d think the reduced footfall would be bad news for me. But now idiots can buy overpriced shit they don’t need from my shop instead of from a garden shed covered in LEDs.

“Incidentally, can I interest you in a wooden tie? It’s only £68 for two.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Bah Humbug.


  1. Replies
    1. Oh the joy - no mulled anything, no badly-made gingerbread shapes, no worthy wooden toys, no pointlessly-adulterated cheeses, no piped tinny mixtapes of Mariah-fucking-Carey/Paul McCartney/Shakin' Stevens/Wham, no £10 "organic" rip-off burgers... Hate it all. Jx

  2. No Christmas Markets, German or otherwise is a dream come true but we still have to put up with "Mariah-fucking-Carey/Paul McCartney/Shakin' Stevens and Wham" etc in the shops.

  3. Oh yes, you make a very good point about not having to listen to all that shitty music. NO CLIFF RICHARD!!! *Claps hands like a demented seal on a promise of fisherman's friend*

    1. Unfortunately, it has begun on Radio 2 - although I am not sure anyone wants to play Cliff particularly, not when they have the bloody awful Robbie Williams Christmas album from last year, or the ones released by Katherine Jenkins, Kylie or even Beverley Knight. I have the mute button constantly on hand. Classic FM will be even more unlistenable than usual in a couple of weeks' time with all those nauseating carols, as well. Roll on New Year. Jx

  4. Stop whining, you lot! We're blasted from all sides with Santa's bloody Kangaroos spliced into the tape. And it's nudging 40 degrees and everyone's nervous about bush fires and lack of water.
    Season of goodwill? Bugger off!

    1. Gawd bless Kevin Bloody Wilson, I say! Jx


Please leave a message - I value your comments!

[NB Bear with me if there is a delay - thanks to spammers I might need to approve comments]