Daddy's home

Twitter obsessives outraged by Elon Musk’s purchase of it wish there was some way they could quit the hellsite ruining their lives.

Millions of users who spend every waking moment providing free content for a company they hate have now been humiliated by the target of their mockery buying it, and them, and all their little Twitter friends.

Tom Booker, who has been tweeting continuously since 2012, said: “Oh my God, dog on fire saying ‘This is fine’ meme much? If only I could delete my account with no more than a few clicks and be free forever.

“But I can’t because I must be on Twitter to fight the Tories, the centrists, the anti-Semites, the terfs, the tankies, the NFT bros and the slavish followers of Elon Musk.

“You’ve seen how terrible the world’s got this last decade. Imagine how bad it’d be if I hadn’t been battling strangers online for every minute of it? Why, Twitter would be thought of as ‘that thing that got Trump elected’.

“If there were a way to quit it’d probably be in the settings and privacy menu. But that would eat into my precious doomscrolling and time I need to read six years of someone else’s tweets to catch them in a minor hypocrisy, so I’m not even going to bother looking.”

Tweeter Donna Sheridan agreed: “I hate Elon Musk, I hate everyone on Twitter, and I hate myself for being on Twitter. I just need a way to say that which will get me the thousands of likes and retweets I deserve.”

Elon Musk said: “A whole site of petty narcissistic twats endlessly pursuing pointless feuds to the detriment of the real world? You are my children, and Daddy’s home.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real news" is more boring.]