A straight man is confident that, if he were to have been gay, he would absolutely clean up. 38-year-old Martin Bishop, a married father of two, has never been attracted to men. He is, however, adamant that if he had been homosexual he would have pulled all of the hotties.
Bishop said: “Before I settled down, I did okay with the ladies. Not brilliantly. But women are picky and choose the wrong guys. Gay men would have been well into me.
“It’s not bragging to say I’d definitely have been able to score Graham Norton and Rylan for one-night things, and I reckon full relationships with Andrew Scott and Ncuti Gatwa. Open, obviously, because that’s how gays do things.
“Andy, my gay mate, tends to go quiet when I bring it up. He doesn’t really do that well, so I imagine it’s envy. And he fancies me. Finding out I was off the market was tough for him and his community.
“Why don’t I get approached by men when I’m out? I imagine they’re intimidated by my raw masculinity. It would be a different story if I got Grindr, just to see, but I won’t.”
What a pisser! The weekend's over too soon, yet again, and it's back to the old ennui.
Never mind, eh? As long as we have something completely insane - and Dutch (of course) - to provide us with a wake-up call on this Tacky Music Monday, we're always happy here at Dolores Delargo Towers...
Despite being in recovery mode after another "gathering of the clans" boozy session in the Wetherspoons pub in Holborn (Penderel's Oak) last night, I foolishly decided to tackle the black mould under our front room bay window, and it's taking longer than I thought.
Time, methinks, for a break, a fag, and a collation of some of the "newer" music that has caught my ear of late...
First up, an object of lust here at Dolores Delargo Towers makes a very welcome return-to-form (with a fab video, to boot):
Bringing the tone back up again is an artist who is more than a little inspired by the Depeche Mode boys [and also happens to be the mastermind behind the live band that accompanies the "ABBA-tars" at ABBA:Voyage]:
Oh. Thank. Fuck. The end of my first week back in work after a hedonistic fortnight's leave is staggering to its very welcome end.
We need something upbeat to get the adrenaline flowing for the weekend, methinks!
An anomaly of a band if ever there was, The Whispers kept the torch aflame for funky 1970s music (in a similar vein to Kool and the Gang, Anita Ward, Detroit Spinners, the Jacksons and several others of their ilk) and the fashion styles of that decade well into the 80s, pushing aside the bigoted shit of the "Disco Demolition" movement in the US and the "anti-establishment" Punk and New Wave trends in the UK.
That's no bad thing, in my opinion - so Thank Disco It's Friday!
Activists have poured yellow and blue paint on the road just outside the Russian embassy in London in a striking show of solidarity with Ukraine.
"Tomorrow is the first anniversary of Putin's imperialist invasion of Ukraine, an independent state and a people with every right to self-determination.
"The existence of a massive Ukrainian flag outside his embassy in London will serve to remind him of that." - Led By Donkeys campaign group
As it is my and Madam Arcati's big anniversary year this year (in May), I feel it's appropriate to dip in and out of what was going on the year we met. It will be a regular feature, methinks.
To that end, let's take a mini-timeslip moment all the way back... to 1998!
In the news headlines of February '98: There was a breakthrough in the standoff between the UN and Saddam Hussain as weapons inspectors were finally allowed into Iraq; Mohamed Al Fayed (father of Dodi) claimed that the deaths of Princess Diana and his son were a conspiracy to kill rather than an accident; the Kosovo War began, after a massacre of civilians in the village of Likoshane; the since-discredited study of purported links between the MMR (measles, mumps, and rubella) and autism was published, prompting decades of scaremongering and conspiracy theories; the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky affair exposé began a tabloid "feeding-frenzy"; 4000 people were killed by an earthquake in Afghanistan; the Nagano Winter Olympics were underway; and we bade sad farewells to Rock Me Amadeus singer Falco [killed in a car crash], national treasure Dermot Morgan (Father Ted) [suddenly, aged just 45], Carl Wilson (founder member of the Beach Boys) and the controversial politician Enoch Powell.
In our cinemas: Titanic; Boogie Nights; The Ice Storm. On telly: The Cruise (the show that made Jane McDonald into a star), Robot Wars, and British soap's first transgender character Hayley Patterson arrived in Coronation Street.
What of our charts this week twenty-five years ago? Slimy Dion had just been knocked off the top slot (to the cheers of a grateful nation) by the simply faboo Cornershop and Brimful of Asha. Also present and correct in the Top Ten were Aqua, Savage Garden, Robbie Williams, Shania Twain, Another Level, All Saints, Will Smith and - erm - soap-star-turned-"singer" Will Mellor.
But, waiting in the wings just outside the Hot 100 was the one that would sweep them all aside - Our Glorious Leader!
The 20th century has been rewritten by sensitivity readers to remove all the distressing references to race, gender and mental health.
Readers admitted they were horrified by how out-of-date the period between 1900 and 1999 had become, and have made changes to several passages of its history to avoid offending modern sensibilities.
Sensitivity reader Hannah Tomlinson said: “It’s not suitable for children and frankly could be upsetting for adults. It’s been the 21st century for 23 years now, so there’s no excuse.
“For example World War Two, long held up as ‘our finest hour’. Really? Because to contemporary eyes it’s nothing but racism, nationalism and inefficient conflict resolution. We’ve kept it in but shortened it and taken out all the unnecessary prejudice.
“Likewise the Sixties may have seemed ‘cool’ at the time but were deeply misogynist. Mick Jagger was clearly queer-coded so that’s been made explicit, Twiggy’s plus-sized and the Queen gets to be prime minister.
“How are we expected to learn from the past when it’s setting such a bad example? Our new 20th century is fairer, kinder and more understanding of different viewpoints. It should have been like that all along.”
Nathan Muir, aged 52, said: “Yeah, to be fair, I was there and it was pretty fucking offensive.”
The vivacious Miss Stella Stevens has joined the growing throng of "va-va-voom girls" in the Tiki Lounge of Fabulon. She's a great loss!
Let's revisit a tribute I did to the lady way back in 2016 on the occasion of her 80th birthday...
...Stella Stevens: "star" of such "classics" as A Town Called Bastard, Monster in the Closet, Dangerous Curves , Attack of the 5 Ft. 2 Women [I'm not making this up, you know!], Megaconda and... The Poseidon Adventure!
Never one to take herself too seriously, Miss Stevens appeared in just about every tacky American "cult TV" series, including The Love Boat, Murder She Wrote, Fantasy Island, Flamingo Road, The Father Dowling Mysteries, Hart To Hart and Magnum PI, and was landed with such esoteric character names as "Lute-Mae Sanders", "'Mama Jo' Max", "Muffy Fuller", "'Lolly' Zachary van der Post" and "Appassionata Von Climax". But it is for her role as the sassy tart-with-a-heart "Linda Rogo" in that aforementioned blockbuster, possibly the campiest disaster movie ever made, that we remember her most.
Yes! A Linda Rogo doll! I want one...
And on that occasion, I made a real discovery - some clever bastards out there had made a rather camp musical version of the Poseidon Adventure - Poseidon!. From it, here is "Linda"'s show-stopper:
We can dance, we can dance; everybody look at your hands
OK, I admit this has not been an entirely stressful week as I have been on annual leave, it was sunny up until yesterday, and we have spent a couple of evenings in the pleasant company of Madam Arcati's sister, brother-in-law, nephew and great-nephew (mainly in Wetherspoons in various locations) on their visit to London - but it is still the end of a week [unfortunately the last weekend before I'm back to the grind again], and there are traditions to keep up...
...so let's enter the very strange world of the Flirtations and the bizarre dance-troupe that surrounds them, shall we? - and Thank Disco It's Friday!
It's all gone a bit murky and mizzly out there, which has put the kibosh on any desire to do some more pottering in the extensive gardens here at Dolores Delargo Towers, so instead let us wallow in another slice of brilliance, courtesy of that mash-up maestro Bill McClintock! As one wag commented: "Wham just wasn't the same after Ozzy left."
And so, farewell then, Wee Jimmy KrankieNicola Sturgeon, bane of our lives with her constant wittering on about Scottish independence (despite the fact the people of Scotland voted that a resounding "No"), while her own benighted country has a worse record on the economy and jobs than the rest of the UK.
It may be St Valentine's St Hallmark's Day today [I steadfastly ignore that cynically commercialised rubbish], but it is also LGBT+ History Month here in the UK, and, as ever, Camden and Islington LGBT Forum (nowadays calling itself "Forum+") has put together a wide-ranging itinerary of events...
We've already missed some interesting (and bizarre) things while we were in Spain - wouldya believe someone actually produced a show called Alan Turing The Musical?! - such as several gay history walking trails, a talk at the British Library intriguingly called The Further Queer Adventures of Alexander the Great: Boyfriend, Activist and Porn Star, and some special themed nights at gay venues Central Station at King's Cross and Zodiac in Camden.
Coming up are a talk about the closeted gay American poet Walt Whitman [never liked his work, so won't be going to that], a weird-sounding "narrative cabaret" work called Wild Onion [that doesn't appeal, either, tbh], more walking trails, a tour of the new Queer Britain Museum behind St Pancras station [which we've not visited since it opened last year, but will one day], a creative writing workshop, an event at the British Library focusing on the BBC documentary The Story of Aids: the Unheard Tapes [which sounds a bit depressing], a discussion of a "forgotten queer classic" historical novel about the fascinating "Ladies of Llangollen" [online-only, more's the pity, and as I spend my life at work on Teams meetings I shan't be rushing to sit at home and watch that] and the annual LGBTQ+ Film Day at The British Museum which features Derek Jarman's The Tempest [unfortunately it clashes with our gang's get-together for a late celebration of The Madam's birthday].
Here in Haringey, things a little more "low-key". There are, however, some events [that we will surely miss] such as poetry readings, a screening of Call Me By Your Name at a library in Crouch End, and what might have been the most interesting, a discussion on curating LGBT+ oral and film histories at the Bruce Castle Museum, a place I have never visited, despite the fact it's only a short bus ride from Wood Green [but that, too, is on the same day as the "gathering of the clans"].
Here at Dolores Delargo Towers, of course, I/we have always been fascinated by LGBT history, so much so that I "curate" my very own "Museum of Camp", which has, over the years featured many and varied stories of the people and events that shaped our narrative - not least today's "exhibit" Richard "Dickie" Colley!
Here's something appropriate for today - that true pioneer of gay cabaret, the peerless Douglas Byng, in 1932
I woke up to gorgeous sunshine this morning, and almost thought we were still in Spain! No such luck.
However, it did provide me with the impetus to get out into the garden to sort some of the dead stuff out, and generally tidy up ready for Spring. Four hours (and three black bin bags) later, I finally sat down. I would have had a more relaxing day if I had actually gone to work...
I haven't forgotten, of course - annual leave or no - that it is a Tacky Music Monday so, to that end, here's our Patron Saint of Spanish Sparkles the divine Sara Montiel and her trusty homosexuales de seguridad!
Sparklers on a pizza at Palm 5 for The Madam's birthday!
Sigh.
We're back, in full recovery mode after a fabulous week in Benalmadena Costa for M. Arcati's birthday. Definitely a week of contrasts - we went from three days of this...
...to this, overnight!
Of course, despite the apocalyptic weather that could have otherwise put a damper on proceedings, we were undeterred. Our fave beach bar Palm 5 (and just about everything else along the paseo) may have been closed for two days, but we sniffed out the plucky couple of places that did decide to open and ate (very well), drank and made merry, as is our wont.
Special mention must go to a new discovery [to us, anyhow; it was always there, and always looked a bit forbidding, but has had a makeover and evolved into a very decent restaurant, indeed], Beny's:
Yes, that's us (around 10 seconds in), centre stage as ever!
Not content with that, of course (after the obligatory siesta) we ventured out to sample the nightlife in the gay bars in La Nogalera in Torremolinos every night as well:
Causing mayhem wherever we go!
All in all, it was a faboo and much deserved break, indeed!
...But what did we miss while we were away?
The biggest (and most horrific) news was of course the 30,000 deaths and devastation left behind by the earthquake on the Turkey-Syria border; other items occupying the headlines included (one year on) the continuing Ukrainian war, the scandal over that suspicious loan to Boris Johnson and the role played by the current BBC chairman, continued paranoia about China, more nasty violence in Israel, and - shock! horror! - Amsterdam is clamping down on marijuana usage in public places.
We missed celebrating the centenary of the utterly faboo Dora Bryan:
...(and Franco Zeffirelli's today) and the 75th birthday of Alice Cooper (as well as the birthdays of Hylda Baker, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Lana Turner, Mamie Van Doren, Carmen Miranda, Ida Lupino, Leontyne Price, Dame Mary Quant, Holly Johnson and heartthrob Cristiano Ronaldo).
We also missed marking the very sad departure of the peerless Mr Burt Bacharach for Fabulon [see my previous tributes here, here and (by association) here], and so, by way of a tribute, here is one of my personal faves written by the maestro:
Very sad (and shocking) news - the simply marvellous Mr Kit Hesketh-Harvey has departed for Fabulon much, much too soon, aged just 65!
Not just the man whose erudite wit made his cabaret act Kit and The Widow (later Kit and McConnel) such a must-see ["our gang" has been along to see them on several occasions, and always come away with sore ribs from laughing] but...
He wrote the screenplay for the classic EM Forster screen adaptation Maurice.
He studied contemporary theatre under the tutelage of none other than Stephen Sondheim.
With Richard Curtis, he co-wrote The Vicar of Dibley for Dawn French.
As a theatrical actor-singer he starred in the 1996 revival of the uber-camp musical Salad Days, in the original Sondheim revue Putting It Together, in the Noel Coward tribute revue Cowardy Custard with Dillie Keane of Fascinating Aida, and as "the baddie" in numerous pantomimes.
A lifelong devotee of opera, he adapted Lehar's The Merry Widow for Opera North (and later Sydney Opera House), Offenbach's La Belle Hélène for English National Opera and Smetena's The Bartered Bride for the Royal Opera House; and produced a tribute to "the father of opera" wittily titled Monteverdi's Flying Circus for the Armonico Consort.
Such a loss.
Let's pay tribute with a selection of old faves, shall we..?
Kit and The Widow - Norwegians:
Ever since the moment when Plucky Leif Erikson Paddled up the Skagerrak, Reykjavik bound...
Kit and The Widow - People Who Like Sondheim (part 1):
People who like Sondheim Sit and seethe in impotent rage Saying he’s ahead of his age That’s why no one goes!
People who like Sondheim Love him with a frenzy No one’s good as he is But who they want to be is Julia McKenzie.
Kit and The Widow - People Who Like Sondheim (part 2): Julia McKenzie - The Boy From...:
Kit and The Widow - West End Score:
You too can write a great West End score Steal it from somebody else The public will clamour, the public will roar They won't know the best tunes were written before.
Kit and McConnel - Nandos:
I could feel my lower colon rend Oh, please, my friend, Not Nando's!
