Tuesday 21 March 2023

Nobody had done any prep, nobody wanted to be there and it was close to being entirely unproductive

Attendees at a business meeting have confirmed all the actual decisions were made in the final fifteen seconds before everyone stood up to leave.

The meeting, titled ‘Q2 Budget Review’, began at 10am and the initial two hours were wasted getting drinks, watching an uninformative PowerPoint, and sharing gossip about anyone not in attendance.

Marketing head Carolyn Ryan said: “It was a traditional business meeting in that nobody had done any prep, nobody wanted to be there and it was close to being entirely unproductive.

“We lost fifteen minutes early on because we’d changed rooms and Nathan had missed the email, then Lindsey had to go and get two more chairs, then I needed coffee but there weren’t any mugs in the kitchen so I had to go down to the fifth floor.

“When I got back Richard was halfway through a story about his mum being ill so we couldn’t just move on to the actual topic of the meeting without being heartless bastards. Katie did a PowerPoint that had fuck all to do with anything, then we had biscuits.

“Suddenly it was lunchtime, there were people banging on the doors for their meeting, and so we agreed we’ll go for a 7.5 per cent budget increase weighted toward last year’s results and review in April in line with the strategy statement. Then got our mugs and left.

“It was so productive that Damien’s booked in a follow-up next week.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Now you have an insight, dear reader, into a typical day in my office...


  1. I feel we must work in the same office, Jon. I'm surprised I haven't seen you. Waylaid on the fifth floor getting coffee, perhaps?

    1. I went out for more biscuits and got sidetracked on my way from Morrisons. See you at the next meeting to discuss "embedding our new corporate values". I'll be the one at the back of the room, snoring. Jx

  2. That was the best thing about office work was the biscuits. I lost 7lbs when I packed it in.
    One place I worked was next door to a Thorntons shop - imagine!!!

    1. Post-pandemic, the "people-bringing-in-biscuits-or-cakes" culture has waned considerably. It's rarer and rarer for the office to actually be full, or, at least, for people who work in the same team to all be in at the same time, if at all... Jx

  3. The The Daily Mash is always spot on but this one takes the biscuit , (Hob Knobs please)

    1. "Hoob Noob. That's Swedish for Hob Nob." Jx


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