Poundshop Kate Myddleton

Going to the races and want to look fancy when your normal attire is trackie bottoms and trainers? Here’s how to dress for Cheltenham on a budget.

For women
A look that’s in is a kind of ‘fake posh horsey person’, with a trilby, tweed jacket and knee-high boots. Don’t worry, you can get cheapo versions of all of these from Primark. The overall look should be ‘poundshop Kate Middleton’ and if you’re still worried about the cost it can be repurposed as an Indiana Jones costume for Halloween.

Alternatively there’s the glamorous look, especially on Ladies’ Day. Instead of wearing clothes appropriate for the fact that it’s March and therefore freezing and likely to piss with rain, you have to wear a small, frilly dress and heels. On top of all this you have to wear the stupidest fucking hat you can find, or you’ll be turned away at the gate.

Buy some cheap tat online from Boohoo or Missguided, because you’ll just vomit on it in the taxi home after you’ve necked too much of the cheap rosé and vodka you stashed in your handbag.

For men
If you already think that dressing up as Tommy Shelby is the height of fashion, you’re in luck because this year Cheltenham looks like a particularly extra-packed episode of Peaky Blinders, though without the potential for violent death, unless you’re a horse.

Once again it needn’t break the bank as you can buy the appropriate garb at Topman, then safely wear it to 'Spoons the next week without being accused of being a poof for wearing a tie.

The alternative is something utterly mental, such as an entire outfit in a cheque pattern, including shirt and trousers. Ostentatious clothes like this cost a fortune, because they’re for posh people who are weirdos due to being inbred. If you actually think it looks good you deserve to get rinsed by an outfitter who’s secretly having a good laugh at his customers.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[Cheltenham Festival 2023]