On-the-spot fines for men without bushy beards and skinny jeans

Let's move to… the home of hipster wankers and yuppies. This week: Shoreditch

What’s it about?
Shoreditch endured pre-war decline and developed a reputation for crime, until it became a byword for ‘gentrification’ in the 90s. Nowadays residents are more likely to be arrested for not eating organically, with on-the-spot fines for men without bushy beards and skinny jeans.

The former theatre and manufacturing hub, located in the East End borough of Hackney, is also known for its innovative use of space, from rooftop bars to squeezing four 20-something professionals into a two-bedroom flat, each chipping in £800 a month.

Any good points?
Shoreditch High Street offers a range of organic and ethical grocery stores for those who place high importance on being kind to carrots.

For nightlife, spend an evening at The Queen of Hoxton, a self-proclaimed hipster paradise bar and club. Chill on the sofas or go to the rooftop bar to take in stunning views of the city and soak up the vibe of the dying hipster subculture that was pretty naff in the first place.

Old Spitalfields Market, the original Victorian East End marketplace, is now home to a wide variety of yoga classes, art fairs, sustainable fashion events and street food vendors. On Thursdays there’s a special antiques market and a bi-monthly vinyl sale, so make sure you remember which days they’re on to avoid those wankers.

Beautiful landscape?
Not really, but you have got Brick Lane Vintage Market, a hustling, bustling jamboree of second-hand goods, vinyl records and kitsch ‘collectables’. Young arty types on the hunt for clothing most charitably described as ‘quirky’ will definitely find it here. The fun of the market is you never know what you’re going to get. Could be cholera, could be scabies, could be flea bites.

For flora try Columbia Road Flower Market, held every Sunday come rain or rain and invariably packed with hordes of hyacinth-clutching tourists. Turn up just before it closes to snap up a bargain and pay only 50 per cent more than you would have done at a regular garden centre.

Hang out at…
Take your pick. The area is awash with pop-ups, cocktail bars and ‘speakeasies’. Well, who doesn’t long for a return to the gangland murders and alcohol blindness of the Prohibition era?

There’s a surfeit of theme bars like Trapeze and trendyish clubs like Lighthouse, but if you fancy something more highbrow try Shoreditch Town Hall, where you can see small, innovative, arty performances by people who are a disappointment to their parents.

BOXPARK, so important it’s in capitals, is a pop-up venue turned Shoreditch institution, an eclectic fusion of trendy clothing brands, up-and-coming retailers and vegan, gourmet, artisan and global street food sellers – all in converted shipping containers. Great if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be a box of imported Chinese plastic goods.

And don’t forget Instagram-friendly hipster hang-outs like Ballie Ballerson, the idiotically named bar where drinkers can frolic in ball pits, and the London Shuffle Club, where young people play a game more usually associated with cruise ships and retirement homes, yet inexplicably believe this makes them #cool and #blessed. Would-be entrepreneurs should get in now before someone opens up a hipster brunch-and-bowls venue.  

Where to buy…
There’s plenty of choice, from grand period buildings if you’re rich, to more modest new-builds if you’re also rich.

With the area catering to both artistic types and young, upwardly mobile professionals working in corporate jobs nearby in The City, the area provides an unprecedented opportunity to live alongside both nutters and bastards.

From the streets:
Gideon Jones, 27, organic kaftan artisan: “See you for after-work drinks in a ball pit?”

The Daily Mash

Of course.