Wednesday 28 February 2024

Try Tower Hamlets, my dear, before you go home

Right-wingers say parts of the UK have become ‘no-go areas’ due to immigration, but they’re wrong. Here are the British places you should never set foot in, simply because they are irretrievably dreadful:

You might get E. coli from the waterslides or bedbugs from the holiday cottages, but the true horror of Butlin’s holiday parks, whether in Bognor Regis, Skegness or Minehead, lies in the fact that they are haunted by Z-list celebrities from the 90s who will crush your spirit by caterwauling at you during the evening ‘entertainment’. Don’t risk it.

Luton Airport
The town is horrifying enough, but Luton’s airport represents a true crime against humanity. Deceptively called ‘London Luton’, people accidentally fly here expecting to step off the plane right onto Oxford Street. They instead find themselves in the arse-end of nowhere and have to navigate Europe’s worst railway system to actually get to their destination, which takes a further hour and a half and costs £300.

Cheltenham Literary Festival
Cheltenham is posh most of the year, but it’s during the annual book festival that it sucks in the worst of society’s upper echelons. No normal person can enter a café without being deafened by a braying conversation between two women called Bunty, who both simply adored the latest Ian McEwan. And you can’t walk down some streets after dark without accidentally wandering into a dangerously middle-class discussion between David Mitchell and Fi Glover. Stay in your car and lock the doors.

The Trafford Centre
Huge, windowless American-style shopping malls fill most people with dread, and there is certainly no place more scary than this gaudily outfitted Northern shopping centre on the last weekend of half term. For people with a weak constitution, a single minute in the massive JD Sports could prove fatal.

Reading and Leeds festivals
Forget Birmingham, if you truly want to go somewhere it feels like your life is in danger, try the Saturday night at Reading or Leeds. Everything is on fire, everyone is off their face and the security team have locked themselves in a portakabin rather than face 50,000 drunk, marauding teenagers wearing Billie Eilish t-shirts and trying to push the toilets over.

The Royal Mile, Edinburgh
It’s crammed with people, the shops are stuffed with tartan-themed tat and everywhere you turn there is some poor bastard in a kilt trying to make a living by pumping out tunes on the bagpipes nine hours a day. On top of this are the hoards of Harry Potter freaks and American tourists convinced their ancestors were born in the castle. Go on holiday to Tower Hamlets, you’ll have a much nicer time.

The Daily Mash

Of course.


  1. It's comforting to know Britain has just as nasty places as the US. Also, welcome home.

    1. Oh, yes - we're not all beefeaters and stately homes. There's plenty of grimness, too... Jx

  2. Welcome back! The last time I was at the Trafford Centre Jaki Graham was there, entertaining the shoppers, she didn't entertain me though, I walked on by, laden with shopping and the same year she was on board a cruise ship, singing a medley of her hits using a very tinny backing tape.

    I shall be visiting Dorset in the summer in the hope of settling down there, I've never been before and I'm worried that it might be full of foreigners.

    1. Jaki Graham had "a string of hits"? I don't think I could name one of them!

      Dorset would be a big change for you from Yorkshire, I'm sure. Be warned, however - the South Coast is fine in high season, but in a lot of places in winter, there's fuck all to do... Jx

  3. Could that possibly be Keith Chegwin on the Barry postcard?

    1. Didn't everyone look like that back in the day?! Jx

  4. "Fuck all " could be, without the hyphen, a big draw card.

  5. Have only been to 2 of the 6 so have escaped the worst.

    1. I can only count Luton Airport on the list (and tbh, Stansted is worse) - although we went to Cheltenham Book Festival on a school trip when I was a kid, but that doesn't really count... Jx


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