People who believe they are intolerant to certain foods have been advised to stop going on about it.The Daily Mash
Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that those who claim to be unable to eat things could very easily just not fucking eat them without repeatedly going into tedious monologues about how serious it all is.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Because I’m not one of those utter freaks who became a gastroenterologist I have no interest in anyone’s digestive system but my own.
“And yet somehow Britain is now filled with millions people who can’t open a jam jar without turning it into yet another story about them.
“For a certain type of person, food intolerances are like A Levels. The more you’ve got, the cleverer you are.
“They even had to invent a thing called ‘gluten’, just so that they could be unable to eat it.
“I think it’s something to do with wanting attention. Perhaps saying that wheat makes your eyeballs sweat is like a British middle-class version of alien abduction.”
He added: “One solution to these trumped-up dietary woes is to visit a ‘naturopath’, basically a gimlet-eyed snake oil vendor who wears flannel trousers and writes bad poetry about the Earth having a fanny.”
Naturopath Tom Logan said: “Gluten is a thing and the Earth does have a very beautiful vagina.
“That’ll be ninety quid please.”
Of course.
The "real" story.
HELL YEAH! I have a problem with grapefruit, but I ain't gonna beat it to death. I do have 2 friends who are gluten-intolerant, and my niece is lactose-intolerant. but when we go out to eat we work around those situations without fuss and screaming.
ReplyDeleteNever beat food to death, my dear. Best eat what you can and face the consequences, I say. Jx
DeletePS Grapefruit's a peculiar one; apparently you can't have it nor cranberries if you are taking medicine for high blood pressure, cholesterol, or a number of other drugs. The answer? Avoid it. It's not as nice as a gin and tonic.
This is why I never Host Dinner Parties... it all gets too complicated nowadays! Even on this side of the Pond.
ReplyDelete"Bring your own grub" should be the mantra these days... Jx
DeleteHilarious illustration for this post! The only reason I don't eat kids is that they're so high in cholesterol these days.
ReplyDeleteBasically, they re just made of junk food nowadays. Jx
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