Now, breathe

Producing carbon emissions that impact the environment is an unfortunate side effect of simply being alive, it has emerged.

The groundbreaking discovery was made by scientists observing any living thing at any time, but most especially humans wearing clothes, putting the heating on or ordering Dominos on a Friday night.

Professor Harry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “You know carbon dioxide? That thing that’s causing global warming? We literally breathe it out.

“We’re all walking along like little smokestacks all day long, and that’s before we have heating and cars and Spotify, all of which increase your carbon footprint, as does absolutely everything else.

“There doesn’t seem to be a way out. Solar panels and growing your own vegetables, sure, until you realise how much more efficient nuclear power and factory farming are. While still producing carbon. We are, it turns out, a carbon-based life form.”

Extinction Rebellion campaigner Nathan Muir said: “But what if I eat loads of jackfruit? What then?”

The Daily Mash

Of course.