Wednesday 26 October 2022

72 percent farts

Air on public transport 72 per cent flatulence.
The air circulating in buses, trains and trams is nearly three-quarters anal emissions, a new study has revealed.

News of the density of arse fumes has come as a shock to the scientific community, despite decades of public transport users noticing the presence of noxious gasses when they inhale.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “72 per cent? Jesus. I expected the odd squeaky leakage here and there but this is nearly as vile as our coastal waters. Have you all been eating beans before setting off?

“I recommend decreasing the flatulence to oxygen ratio by cracking a window. That won’t help the poor sods trapped in Tube carriages from breathing in a lungful of intestinal vapours, but it’s a start.

“Luckily there’s no risk of suffocating on sphincter wind, it’s just revolting. Are you even trying to hold it in? You’re not animals, for Christ’s sake, so clench and wait until you get off.”


Commuter Martin Bishop said: “It’s sickening to think about everyone’s bum particles swirling in the air. I didn’t wear a face mask for Covid, but I’ll pop one on to stay safe from farts.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story]

10 comments:

  1. I was thinking of visiting a friend in west London, but I don't think I'll be able to hold my breath from Kings Cross to Ealing Broadway...

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    1. The air in Ealing's not much fresher than the Tube, to be honest. We lived there for our first two years in London... Jx

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  2. I remember the days of being trapped in a smoking carriage with Wimpy munchers...Baker St to swiss Cottage--- gah!

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    1. I think people tend to forget that public transport - like pubs - used to have an unhealthy fug of nicotine smoke to mask all the other smells. Now all one can smell is other people's emissions (armpits and bad breath in particular), and in the case of pubs and restaurants, the loos... Jx

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  3. Smoking isn't permitted anymore, but we should at least be allowed to light a match. Then again, at those levels, the entire train could go up in smoke.

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    1. I imagine the whole Tube network might go up! Jx

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  4. Gives a whole new meaning to "Moving with Mitchell"

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  5. You see, there was good reason to smoke in such places - it was akin to fumigation.
    Sx

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    1. Smelt better than a Glade plug-in trying to mask the whiff of Jeyes urinal blocks any day. Jx

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