You actually take this shit seriously

Do your workmates absolutely despise you? This is why:

You’re enthusiastic
You bounce in, bright-eyed, ready to really get cracking on another week of work. Why? You don’t get paid any more for it. Surely it can’t be genuine?

You schedule 9am meetings
It’s accepted that nine-to-five jobs really start at 10am. Maybe 9.30am in extreme circumstances, for example your distribution centre being on fire. To expect everyone to be fully functioning during your bollocks meeting at what’s virtually dawn? Inexcusable.

You chase up emails
No-one’s unaware you sent them an email. All we do is stare at emails for seven point five hours a day. We’re trying to muster strength to type a few words back so stop wildly chasing for the completion of a meaningless, mundane task and let us do the bare minimum in peace.

You make unsolicited suggestions
‘Sorry can I just interrupt to say...’ No, you can’t, you loathsome twat. Keep your advice to yourself and go back to chasing up pointless emails you sent 20 minutes ago. ‘Have you tried calling...’ Try f**king off.

You overshare
Monday is for discussing how much work sucks. Your delusion that anyone cares what you got up to in the garden this weekend or last night’s dream is unhinged. To keep going while everyone’s eyes glaze over in dead, resentful silence is a real achievement.

You arrange activities
The time for a mass email about some really fantastic organised fun is not now. Not ever, but definitely not now. Asked everyone to take part in a hilarious challenge? Come up with a brilliant team-building exercise? Do you know that every other employee is fantasising your demise?

You actually take this shit seriously
You’re sending concerned emails after 5pm. You devise new systems and expect people to use them. You shoot disparaging looks at anyone engaged in a quick 40-minute chat about Taskmaster. Don’t you realise? People are only here for money.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

I'm back in the office today...