Wednesday, 8 December 2021

Janis Joplin didn’t start out on a CBBC show

I think that might be Rochelle from The Saturdays...

Tabloids love a story about a former pop star in reduced circumstances. But it wouldn’t be the least surprising to see these fronting up the loo roll:

The Farm
Madchester-adjacent act known for Groovy Train and All Together Now, the good bit of which was by Johann Pachelbel. Still get on the bill at festivals but that’s in the summer, isn’t it? No harm in putting on the Santa hat and doing shifts at Asda. Northside are on trolley collection. That’s a rough gig in winter.

The Reynolds Girls
Stock Aitken Waterman act who looked like they still had their Saturday jobs in Dorothy Perkins while in the charts. Which would have been wise. They slagged Fleetwood Mac and the Rolling Stones while being fundamentally shit, in an unfortunate contrast. May by now have worked their way up to Dot Perks management.

Mediocre manufactured groups don’t sell records without publicity, so a career in retail beckoned. Myleene Klass has stroppily clung onto minor celebrity status, and is berating the fishmonger at her local Waitrose about the lack of sea bass when she realises she recognises him. It’s that guy, from the band. Bloody hell, what was his name?

S Club 7
Live by the tweenie, die by the tweenie. Once kids grew out of this super-bland pop act they had little musical talent to fall back on, because rock heroes like Led Zeppelin or Janis Joplin didn’t start out on a CBBC show. Jo works behind the fag counter. She says it’s good money.

Ned’s Atomic Dustbin
It’s statistically likely that most of the thousands of members of short-lived late 80s indie bands ended up working for a big employer like Tesco. The Neds are restocking the courgettes even as you read this, while trying to chat up Miki from Lush on the fresh pizzas.

East 17
In the strange world of 90s boy bands, East 17 were considered more street than pretty boys Take That, and what could be more street than working in Tesco? Instead of flaring up at photographers, Brian Harvey could vent his anger by passive-aggressively pretending not to know where the Marmite is.

The Daily Mash

Of course.


  1. The Reynolds Girls! Such trash. Not a lick of talent between the two of 'em. If I ran into them on the street I'd have to slap 'cross the face. Pair of fanny lickers. S Club 7 were Up With People minus the holy rolling. And East 17 were to die for... sigh. How I would have loved to been the one to wash their knickers on tour. Kizzes.

    1. S Club 7's Reach (for the Stars) is a party classic round these parts, although it is true that I wouldn't have recognised any one of 'em if I were standing next to them in a bus queue; and I too had the hots for East 17 before all the drugs and acrimony set in. The Reynolds Girls, however, were just dreadful - the death-knell for "The Hit Factory", indeed. Jx

  2. East 17! They should have been preserved and allowed to stay young forever - ageing really didn't suit them.

    1. They grew older, but not wiser - the one with the nice voice ran himself over with his own car, as I remember, then ended up being arrested for drugs offences. He was arrested again this year for "malicious tweets" about his ex. A bit of a mess, poor thing. Jx

  3. I think supermarkets should start putting up plaques there dubious star ex employees .

    1. Sainsburys in Camden would run out of space on its wall, with all the has-beens, wannabees and never-weres who have stacked their shelves over the years! Jx


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