Bad things tend to happen when you’re sober

Life is full of myriad problems, some bigger than others. Luckily these five can be completely solved by drinking five pints.

Stress
Feeling pressure at work? Are the tensions in your failing marriage becoming unbearable? Despite not being medically proven, five pints of ale, cider or even wine, if you’re hardcore, can temporarily eliminate the sensation of stress. The benefits are short-term though and your hangover will make everything seem ten times worse, but it’s a price worth paying for a couple of stress-free hours.

The burden of excess funds
Ouch. What’s the hot sensation from your wallet? It’s excess money burning a hole in your pocket. Quick, you’d better start splashing out on five pints before the weight of the notes drags your trousers down in front of the whole pub. If you really need to spend a fortune, buy an independent craft beer that costs shitloads for no apparent reason.

Feeling like a failure
Everyone feels like a failure now and then. Especially people with a life as shit as yours. Your career’s going nowhere, you haven’t achieved your dreams, and let’s not even get into your love life. Drinking five pints is an easy and fun goal to achieve, though. And by accomplishing it you can pretend it’s the start of turning your life around and not the beginning of an addiction.

Existential angst
Paralysed by a constant, nagging dread? Daren’t look at the news because everything’s so grim? Turn to the one thing in the world that’s guaranteed to take the edge off: five pints. By the time you’ve finished, the terrifying questions surrounding your existence will be replaced by more fun ones like ‘Should I jump over that bollard?’ and ‘Shall I have another pint?’ As with all drunken questions, the answer is ‘yes’.

Being sober
Bad things tend to happen when you’re sober. Things like divorces and root canals and going to work. It’s an overall troubling state, which is why people regularly try to escape from it by getting drunk. Five pints is the perfect amount to consume because it gets you comfortably pissed but won’t completely ruin your body come the next morning. So drink up.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[My excuse is none of the above - but last night's Eurovision Song Contest Party, which was a hoot! (More on that at some stage, no doubt). Just five pints? Considering I went to bed at 6am, I find that highly unlikely!]