We wuz robbed again - but the UK has a lot to be proud about

Eurovisionland is a strange and unpredictable place, indeed. I mean, who would ever have thought we'd sit down for a marathon four-hour viewing session that would include a song about being possessed by the ghost of Edgar Allen Poe, six women with ginormous hair-plaits dressed as druid nuns, a Dungeons and Dragons-themed combo complete with a dwarf playing a penny-whistle, a group of ballroom dancers forming a human centipede, a heavy metal band arriving on stage in a 1980s Toyota, a camp-as-tits Boy George sound-a-like with a love of hats, and some middle-aged rockers wearing dresses and military caps, taking the piss out of Putin and other dictators, singing about tractors and then stripping to their baggy underpants on stage?!

We would, of course..!

"Our gang" [below: Hils (France), Crog (Portugal), Russ (Cyprus, complete with goat), Baby Steve (Switzerland) and Alex (Italy), Lou (Ukraine, aka Volodymyr Zelenskyy), Sal (Austria)] once again did us proud at our celebration of the "Gay World Cup" aka the grand final of the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday. I allocate three countries each - one for booze, one for food, and a third for costume and/or flag-waving - and the results were colourful to say the least!

With a buffet-of-all-nations to sate our appetites soak up the vast quantities of exotic booze on offer, and photo-shoots all done and dusted, it was time for the "show of shows" to begin!

Hosted by the UK in Liverpool on behalf of Ukraine [which, for obvious reasons, was unable to do the usual duty of the previous year's winner], the organisers at the BBC certainly pulled out all the stops. The staging was superb, the special effects flawless, and the presenters (Graham Norton, actress - and budding gay icon - Hannah Waddingham, singer and TV presenter Alesha Dixon, and Ukrainian singer Julia Sanina, with additional commentary by comedienne Mel Giedroyc) were excellent, and sometimes hilarious - and the whole shebang kicked-off with with a most remarkable intro indeed. Famous artists all paying tribute to 2022's victorious Stefania by Kalush Orchestra, including our own runner-up Sam Ryder, Sir Andrew Lloyd-Webber, Joss Stone and more... but probably most notable for an appearance by none other than Catherine, Princess of Wales, at around the 2½ minute mark!

Of the contest itself? We all had our scorecards at the ready, and watched all twenty-six performances with the usual mix of shock and awe, shouting at the telly, "phwhoaar"s at some of the totty...

Italy's Marco Mengoni

...taking advantage of some of the boring ones to go for a pee, a top-up or a fag, and "oh-fuck-how-did-they-get-into-the-final?" groans.

Then a break - and more madness, confusion and a really emotional moment, courtesy of the interval entertainment; a selection of previous Eurovision winners singing from the vast back-catalogue of songs with their roots in host city Liverpool. You might prefer to skip the bland and deadpan rendition of Imagine at the opening segment of this clip and skip to around the 2:10 slot:

You never saw them in the same room...

John-John (as usual) came up with the best "look", with his almost-true-to-the-original impression of audience favourite (and one of ours!), Käärijä of Finland (whose was one of the maddest of all performances).

Speaking of which...

The Dolores Delargo Towers jury votes were as follows:

#5 - Moldova: Pasha Parfeni - Soarele şi Luna

#4 - Belgium: Gustaph - Because Of You

#3 - Finland: Käärijä - Cha Cha Cha

#2 - Croatia: Let 3 - Mama ŠČ!

#1 - United Kingdom: Mae Muller - I Wrote a Song

This was, of course, in complete contrast to the actual votes...

First came the long, long, long presentation of the jury votes. With 37 countries taking part (only 26 made the final), it is a bit of a slog. You can imagine, dear reader, the shouting and consternation and occasional boos and hisses from our living-room, as country after country failed to give the UK any votes at all, but Sweden, Italy, and the godawful Ariana Grande-wannabee from Israel got alternate douze points, battling it out for the top slot. In the end, poor Mae only got fifteen votes.

Public votes were announced next [and in a change of rules this year, these votes could come from anywhere where the contest is shown, not just the member countries of the European Broadcasting Union], which caused a bit of a kerfuffle at the top - as, with the Liverpool arena already resounding to chants of "Cha Cha Cha!", Finland received a massive 376 extra points (the highest score from the phone-in votes), leap-frogging them all! Unfortunately, Sweden had so many points from the juries already that the 243 extra meant their song was the overall victor by a landslide with 583 points. And here is its performer, (second time winner) Loreen!

It's no Euphoria, but an earworm nonetheless.

The UK ended the evening with a total of 24, in 25th place out of 26.

• An interesting article by BBC Music Correspondent Mark Savage attempts to analyse the possible reasons why.

We hid our disappointment well, by switching off after Doreen Loreen's reprise performance, and cranking up the Dolores Delargo Towers YouTube party playlist until the wee small hours!

Same time, same place, next year?

YES!!

Who needs Tacky Music Monday when you have Eurovision?!