By the power of the adjustable spanner!

An emergency plumber with an exorbitant call-out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.

Due to offering a round-the-clock service, Bill McKay can toy with the fates of normal humans like a supreme deity looking down from Mount Olympus while holding an adjustable spanner.

McKay said: “Got a burst pipe and need urgent help? Water pouring through the ceiling at 2am? Call me, feeble underlings, and I will decide whether to bestow my mercy upon you.

“If I’m honest, being richer than Croesus simply because I know how to tighten the hose on a washing machine gets a little dull. To keep things interesting I have considered asking a man with a blocked toilet to fight a family with a flooded basement for who gets my services first.

“However, my missus says that would be even more morally dubious than tripling my hourly rate for a client just because I arrived at their place a second after 5pm on a Friday, when I should be down the pub.

“But it’s hard not to feel contempt for the pitiful idiots who could sort most of this shit out themselves if they learned what a stopcock is. So until they do I will continue to rule as an almighty king, while charging £320 an hour, plus VAT.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

I know who I'd call...