Of postmodernism, Marie, fish fingers, sperm, a royal cow, Bolan and blasphemy

RIP Sir Terry Farrell, architect of two of my fave postmodern buildings on the Thames - the MI6 Building and Charing Cross Station (Embankment House)

More snippets today, dear reader:

• Unbridled luxury news: Hot on the (bejewelled) heels of - and overlapping with - the breathtaking Cartier exhibition we went to see in August, the newest showcase at the magnificent Victoria & Albert Museum (V&A) is Marie Antoinette Style, an exploration of the life and luxurious lifestyle of one of the most notorious (and certainly most famous, even if only for her fate) Queens that France ever had. We're making plans for our visit as we speak...
• Favourite food of children everywhere news: Happy 70th birthday to the humble BirdsEye [other brands are available] Fish Finger! I doubt there's a freezer anywhere up and down the country that doesn't have a box of these in it...
• Frankenstein science news: Scientists in the USA have made embryos from human skin DNA and sperm. If that's all it took, I'm surprised my face didn't get pregnant - many times - when I was younger😋!
• Never appear with children or animals news: King Charles III looked on as a prize cow trampled his hedges and peed on the path at a reception at Clarence House.

• Glam icon "returns from the dead" news: On what would have been his 78th birthday, not only has a blue plaque been unveiled at Marc Bolan's former home in Maida Vale in London, but also a new, previously unheard T.Rex track from fifty years ago has been released! - hear I'm Dazed on YouTube.
• And finally: Happy Blasphemy Day! I'll leave the last word on that to the magnificently erudite and much-missed Mr Christopher Hitchens, one of my idols:

  “I am not even an atheist so much as an antitheist; I not only maintain that all religions are versions of the same untruth, but I hold that the influence of churches and the effect of religious belief is positively harmful. Reviewing the false claims of religion I do not wish, as some sentimental materialists affect to wish, that they were true. I do not envy believers their faith. I am relieved to think that the whole story is a sinister fairy tale; life would be miserable if what the faithful affirmed was actually true... There may be people who wish to live their lives under cradle-to-grave divine supervision, a permanent surveillance and monitoring. But I cannot imagine anything more horrible or grotesque.”

And the weather? Warm and sunny for a change! Love it.

Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper. Super, duper!

Sigh. Back to the old routine...

Never mind, eh? Tomorrow, one of our fave ultra-smooth (out-gay) crooners, Mr Johnny Mathis celebrates his 90th birthday, and it's to him we turn for our traditional Tacky Music Monday wake-up call.

All balls and safety gays? Story of his life, really...

Johnny Mathis - Puttin' on the Ritz

Oh, so butch!

Many (early) happy returns, John Royce "Johnny" Mathis (born 30th September 1935)

The ruin of many a poor boy

Fondue, anybody?

It's been dank, mizzly and grey all day today - probably just as well I had no plans, and had a good lie-in 'till 1pm...

Time for some "Sunday Music" to cheer us all up, methinks - courtesy of our "house band" here at Dolores Delargo Towers:

Postmodern Jukebox ft. LaVance Colley - House Of The Rising Sun [The Animals '60s/'70s Soul version]

We love Postmodern Jukebox!

Je fais, aussi!

Before we set off to our fave Wetherspoons the Penderel's Oak in Holborn this afternoon for a jolly gathering to (belatedly) mark History Boy's birthday, let us drift into dreams of summer, sunshine and holidays again, shall we? - courtesy of the ever-fabulous Soft Tempo Lounge:

Soft Tempo Lounge - Sunny Riviera!

Ah, that's better...

[Music: Gregory - Je Fais La La]

Nothing lasts forever, of that I’m sure

Phew! Almost there...

The weekend's looming, we have another "gathering of the clans" tomorrow for History Boy's birthday, and it's payday!

There are also celebrations of a different kind - as the original "lounge lizard", the frontman of one of the most influential bands in pop history, and still the coolest man on the planet, Mr Bryan Ferry blows out 80 candles on his cake today.

All hail.

Fittingly, to get our party going, let's have a boogie to Roxy Music's own venture onto the dancefloor, shall we? - and Thank Disco It's Friday!!

Roxy Music - Same Old Scene

Have a great weekend, peeps!

A load of Pollocks

If you don’t ‘get’ an artist, it’s not because they’re too clever for you but because, like these guys, they’re purveyors of pseudo-intellectual bollocks:

Brian Eno
A man who cleverly hides his ineptitude in plain sight by describing himself as a non-musician. Eno nevertheless became one of the world’s most sought-after record producers despite only really being able to add bloops and bleeps to tracks. He also became renowned for his oblique strategies: try ‘getting your neck massaged’ the next time you’re writing a project initiation document and see how well it goes down with your boss.

David Lynch
A body of work full of hidden meaning which rewards repeat viewings? Or a bunch of badly edited films which don’t stand up to serious scrutiny? Lynch’s true genius was in refusing to talk about his work. By cultivating an air of mystery, he could keep pretending he wasn’t just churning out a load of random bollocks.

William Burroughs
Was he challenging traditional narrative structures or did he just not know how to write a decent novel? The Naked Lunch is a nonsensical montage of surrealistic imagery, lapped up by people who think drugs lead to genuine insight. Burroughs’ stream of consciousness brain vomit was not only unreadable, it also inspired the band Steely Dan, making it the most heinous of all books.

Damien Hirst
Hirst claims to walk a tightrope between the profound and the mundane but falls very much into the latter category. Whether he’s cutting animals in half or making giant versions of kids’ toys, his work is always reliably pointless. Incredibly, this so-called artist is now worth hundreds of millions, proving that the one per cent have too much money and not enough brain cells.

Jackson Pollock
You can get away with being abstract. You can get away with being expressionist. However, you don’t need to be a complete philistine to realise that stringing them together as Abstract Expressionist is simply a fancy way of saying ‘crap’. Critics may have praised the immediacy of Pollock’s ‘action painting’ but surely a similar effect could have been achieved by giving two monkeys a tin of paint and some brushes.

John Cage
The art world’s ultimate chancer. Cage probably couldn’t believe it when his piece 4′ 33” became world famous. Consisting of pure silence, supposedly in order to force the audience to listen to the surrounding environment, this ‘composition’ is a phenomenal example of trying your luck and getting away with it.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Of Anne's lingerie, trains, OTT outfits, castles, a drag queen and a screen goddess

Princess Anne visited a knicker factory in Caerphilly in South Wales last week - and gave them some advice on underwired bras!

It's another snippets post today, dear reader:

• "Toot, toot, said Thomas" news: It's the 200th anniversary of the world's first railway - the Stockton & Darlington line - this weekend, and the year of celebrations reaches its zenith with the anniversary journey of a working replica of George Stephenson's original Locomotion 1 engine!

[click any pic to embiggen]

• My era gets its own showcase news: A major new exhibition titled Blitz: the Club That Shaped the 80s has finally opened at the Design Museum (last Saturday). The legendary London club that spawned a whole style movement in the early 1980s - one that I wholeheartedly adored, named by the press "The New Romantics" - run with an iron fist (in a velvet glove) by Steve Strange and Rusty Egan, it launched the careers of acts such as Spandau Ballet, Sade and Boy George, milliner Stephen Jones [who taught Philip Treacy all he knows] and myriad other designers, couturiers and creatives. The club was only around for a brief time, but what an impact it had - I can't wait to see this!
• We can but dream news: You too could be king of your own 855-year-old Norman castle - and accompanying mansion - with 23 bedrooms, 19 bathrooms, gym, sauna, games room and Great Hall, and 25 acres of parkland, in Westmorland, Cumbria for the bargain price of £5.5million! I'll have the crown set with diamonds and sapphires, please.

• Confessions of a drag bitch news: "I learned early to mask, to put my guard up. Drag became my canvas. I worked in nightclubs, and suddenly I was getting attention from adoring crowds, but only by disguising myself. I was caught somewhere between a fierce desire to be seen and the reluctance to be truly known." Legendary London "scene queen" Jodie Harsh has published her autobiography - buy it here.
• And, finally: RIP, the ultra-glamorous Claudia Cardinale, star of (amongst others) Visconti’s The Leopard, Fellini's 8½ and Sergio Leone’s Once Upon a Time in the West. She's probably less well-known for this:

Fab safety gays!

And the weather? Sunny, but the wind's a bit chilly.

Swoon of the day

"Sometimes I feel the past is a more comfortable place than the future." - Harold Levinson [Lady Cora's brother].

I do so agree...

Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale - Official Trailer

How life should be.

At a cinema near you. Don't miss it!

When marimba rhythms start to play

Monday, again...

Oh, fuck - not only is it back-to-work time, but it's also the dreaded Autumn Equinox!

Nights will officially be longer than days from now on, so it's all downhill from here, dear reader...

...and on this Tacky Music Monday, only Reg Kehoe and His Marimba Queens can save us now!

Reg Kehoe and his Marimba Queens

Have a good week, dears.

Bang, bang, bang

It's a sunny, blustery, chilly autumnal day here in London - a bit of a change, after a burst of "Indian Summer" temperatures on Friday, and a mild (if showery) day yesterday - and Madam Arcati and I are off to the cinema to wallow in sumptuous grandeur courtesy of Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale this afternoon.

Meanwhile, I think a collection of some of the "newer" choons that have caught my ear of late is in order:

First up - the ever-wonderful Mael brothers show absolutely no sign of stopping their consistently brilliant musical output [fifty-one years' worth and counting!] - and their new one (featuring performer Self-Esteem, in the video at least) is as superb as ever:

Sparks - Porcupine

Cranking the party up a notch, a couple of bangers - starting with a bit of a kinky one...

Die Sexual - Desire

...followed by the return of an old club fave:

ARTBAT & Benny Benassi - Feel The Bass

How about a mash-up? Yes please! Metallica never sounded so good:

Rick James, Metallica, Ozzy Osbourne - For You and I the Crazy Baby Bell Tolls [Bill McClintock mash-up]

Here's what happens when two fave bands collide:

Saint Etienne x Confidence Man - Brand New Me

And, finally, the current house faves de jour!

Haute & Freddy - Freaks

As ever dear reader, I'd love to know your thoughts...

Avast behind!

Dear Mr Peenee - purveyor of filth by appointment to the Blogosphere - has reminded me once again that yesterday was "International Talk Like A Pirate Day", so once again I am late to the hornpipe... [Fnaar, fnaar!]

To make up for that egregious oversight - this!

Pirates of the Caribbean vs The Gay Pirate - I want to sing and dance

You, too can talk like a pirate - with this handy phrasebook.

Arrr!

So I'd like to know where you got the notion

It's somewhat gratifying for a change, dear reader, to be celebrating a centenary - when that individual is actually alive and kicking!

Pete Murray [for it is he] is undoubtedly the world's oldest living radio disc jockey. His first broadcasting gig was as the first English-language DJ on Radio Luxembourg in 1950. Remarkably, 75 years later, he will be presenting Boom Radio's "Boom Top 5" this morning - on his 100th birthday! Incredible, really - not many people even realised he was still alive...

His forte was, of course, rock'n'roll music [he was there when it first started!] - but this is our weekend celebration, so, by way of a compromise, to get the party started here's the return of an old, old fave - with at least the word "rock" in its title [tenuous, I know...]. Yes, it's the return of those custard-yellow ensembles - and Thank Disco It's Friday!

Hues Corporation - Rock The Boat

Have a great weekend, peeps!

Met him on some boys’ trip?

Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From

Claiming that he recognised the member of the royal family, but his memory was hazy, President Donald Trump has spent his entire trip to the U.K. trying to figure out where he knows Prince Andrew from, sources confirmed Thursday.

“Who is that guy? His face seems so familiar,” said Trump, pausing in the middle of shaking hands with various royal dignitaries to get a closer look at the disgraced Duke of York, whose name, as well as the activities they engaged in together, had been eluding him for the past couple of days.

“Maybe I met him on some boys’ trip? I feel like I’ve seen his penis before. Have we ever gone swimming at the same time? You have a mole right here under your rib cage, right?”

At press time, Trump reportedly concluded that the prince, who quickly continued down the halls of Windsor Castle while avoiding all eye contact, must be Stephen Hawking.

The Onion

For a change...

Of Sundance, Bowie, Fry, nuns, stones, Titchmarsh and vodka

RIP Robert Redford, gorgeous man that you were!

It's another snippets post, dear reader:

• An icon gets his own museum news: David Bowie’s personal archive (consisting of 90,000 items!) has now opened to the public at the V&A's new East Storehouse in the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park near Stratford.
• Nuns on the run news: Three Austrian nuns ran away from their care home and broke into to the convent they had been forced to leave because "they were homesick".
• Ham it up, you got to ham it up news: A trailer video for The Importance Of Being Earnest, starring Olly Alexander and Stephen Fry(!), has been released, ahead of its transfer to the Noel Coward Theatre in the West End tomorrow:

The Importance Of Being Earnest 2025 cast reveal

• Cozy teatime show bloodbath horror news: Fans and former contestants of the long-running Channel 4 early-evening word-game show Countdown, gathered at a meet-up in Blackpool, were horrified when one former champion knifed a rival whom he accused of cheating! It's like a plot from Midsomer Murders...
• Cheating tossers news: Several competitors at the World Stone Skimming Championships were disqualified after it was discovered that their stones had been artificially modified and enhanced. Oh, the shame of it.
• You could be sitting on a national treasure's loo news: Much-loved TV gardener and makeover programme host Alan Titchmarsh has put his country house and garden up for sale. Worth going for a nose around, even if you don't actually have £4 million to spare...
• And finally: It's the centenary today of the very lovely musical theatre and cabaret singer, Sondheimite and comedienne Miss Dorothy Loudon! Here's my favourite of hers:

Dorothy Loudon - Vodka

And the weather? Grey. Very grey.

There's not, I think, a single episode of Dallas that I did not see

The prettier one, always in the background...

With the sad news that co-founder member of one of my personal fave 80s synth-pop bands Blancmange Stephen Luscombe has ascended that neon-lit, dry-ice-and-poppers-shrouded stairway to the great "Some Bizzare" stage on Fabulon - let's wallow [and I need very little prompting to delve into my 1980s heyday, bien sûr] in just a few of the band's most memorable musical moments, shall we?

Blancmange - Blind Vision

Blancmange - Living On The Ceiling

Blancmange - Don't Tell Me

Blancmange - The Day Before You Came

[Don't tell John-John, but I prefer their cover version to Abba's original!]

RIP, Stephen.

Will you do the Fandango, the typewriter, or the arrows of desire?

That frock! [click to embiggen]

From the Financial Times:

At the end of the (Proms) season the BBC always likes to blow its own trumpet — this year it reported surging numbers for online viewing and listening — but what other festival of mostly classical music can fill a venue of 6,000 capacity (including standing places for Prommers) on so many nights over eight weeks?

The closing jamboree was the most fun Last Night for years. Those who get offended by classical music being mixed with rock, musicals and comedy, look away now.

Indeed. For in a second-half opener like no other I can remember [and we did only watch the second half of the Last Night of the Proms] - as opposed to something in the classical or romantic canon, the orchestra revved up for a tribute to Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, which was released fifty years ago this year [gulp!], and the excellent lead singer Sam Oladeinde was joined by Sir Brian May on his guitar, and Roger Taylor on Britain's biggest gong!

Wow.

From one camp melodrama to another, as the BBC Symphony Orchestra launched into Shostakovich's Festive Overture, then followed it...

...with the arrival on stage of our soprano for the night Miss Louise Alder as "Eliza Dolittle", for a 60th anniversary tribute to My Fair Lady! [As I said in yesterday's blog post, this was the second time in two days we were treated to the greatest hits from the movie musical.]

Typically for The Proms, there always have to be some more avant-garde moments in any concert - and the final ever live performance by ace trumpeter Alison Balsom with some virtuosic riffs from Bernstein's Prelude, Fugues and Riffs certainly fitted that bill. There also has to be at least one premiere work, and Rachel Portman and Nick Drake's rather disappointing The Gathering Tree ticked that particular box.

However, in-between, there was another genuine treat in store - as comedian and "national treasure" Mr Bill Bailey dead-panned his way through Leroy Anderson's quirky classic The Typewriter:

He's faboo!

All that out of the way, it was time for our conductor Elim Chan to lead the celebrations and get the traditional flag-waving, party-atmosphere finale started, opening (as it always does) with the "Promenader-pleasing" Fantasia on British Sea Songs, arranged by the season's founder Sir Henry Wood, followed by the return of Louise Alder - in that frock! - with a remarkable rendition of Thomas Arne's Rule, Britannia!

Gob-smacking!

By this stage, we're on a roll, flags a-flapping - and straight into another beloved piece (and contender for "the best National Anthem we never had") Elgar's Pomp and Circumstance March No. 1, better-known, of course, as Land of Hope and Glory:

Our throats hoarse from singing along - in our living-room - it was time for the traditional conductor's speech, closely followed by the most famous and beloved of all hymns [if it can be called such, given that its words were from an allegorical poem by William Blake], Hubert Parry's Jerusalem:

With the singing of the (real) National Anthem [and we still can't get used to it being God Save the King, rather than Queen], that's generally it by the time we get to Auld Lang Syne - but no! - Mr Bailey (and the Royal Albert Hall's massive organ) had the last word...

For bringing us an utterly tremendous evening's entertainment, and indeed, for the previous eight weeks - all hail, the BBC!!

Shed those dowdy feathers and fly

It's blowing a hooly out there this morning!

Once again, a busy weekend of fun events has left me feeling I could do with another day off to recover...

Never mind, it's another Tacky Music Monday - and who better than our beloved, and much-missed, Mitzi Gaynor to help cheer things along?

Here, she and her safety gays take on Georgy Girl - and win!

Mitzi Gaynor - Georgy Girl

Have a good week, dear reader.

Don't wait until wrinkles and lines pop out all over my brow, show me now!

Friday Night really was Music Night this week, as we braved the elements and trolled off to the imperious environs of Alexandra Palace for BBC Radio 3's Julie Andrews at 90: A Celebration concert. Over the years, we have been fortunate to get to see loads of these recordings of the world's longest-running live orchestral music radio programme, and they're always of the highest quality.

This was no exception.

Core to the whole thing was the BBC Concert Orchestra, conducted as ever by Richard Balcombe - they are one of the finest orchestras of their kind and, keeping up the tradition of BBC's historic involvement with Ally Pally, it's been announced that they're now the first "associate orchestra" based at the venue. It's always fascinating to watch an orchestra at work, and this lot worked like clockwork.

Our singers, too, were a top-notch trio - Katie Birtill, Kelly Mathieson and Graham Bickley - veterans of the West End stage and as orchestral soloists, all. Our host was the mellifluous Radio 3 veteran presenter Petroc Trelawny [it's always good to see a "national treasure" in the flesh for the first time].

And of the show itself? We had a cornucopia of music and songs from just about everything Dame Julie was ever involved in - including My Fair Lady, The Boyfriend, The King & I, Star!, Mary Poppins, Thoroughly Modern Millie, Victor, Victoria and - it goes without saying - The Sound Of Music.

Oh, how we loved it! Indeed, the hills were alive with the sound of her music (well, Muswell Hill, anyway)! No videos are available of the evening itself (naturally), but here are two brief snippets I managed to grab from their rehearsals:

However, let's finish up with a song that was brilliantly done by Miss Mathieson on Friday, and one that featured in two consecutive nights of musical entertainment this weekend:

Julie Andrews - Show Me [My Fair Lady]

Don't talk of stars burning above; If you're in love,
Show me!

Tell me no dreams
Filled with desire. If you're on fire,
Show me!

Here we are together in the middle of the night!
Don't talk of spring! Just hold me tight!
Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you that
This is no time for a chat!

Haven't your lips
Longed for my touch? Don't say how much,
Show me! Show me!

Don't talk of love lasting through time.
Make me no undying vow. Show me now!

Sing me no song! Read me no rhyme!
Don't waste my time, Show me!

Don't talk of June, Don't talk of fall!
Don't talk at all! Show me!

Never do I ever want to hear another word.
There isn't one I haven't heard.
Here we are together in what ought to be a dream;
Say one more word and I'll scream!

Haven't your arms hungered for mine?
Please don't "expl'ine," Show me! Show me!

Don't wait until wrinkles and lines
Pop out all over my brow,
Show me now!

Love it...

---

...and speaking of two consecutive nights of musical entertainment - our busy weekend continued on Saturday as we settled down in front of the telly, Union Jack flags in hand, to watch The Last Night of the Proms..!

More on that tomorrow, no doubt...

Foggy

After a wonderful evening's entertainment at the Friday Night is Music Night Julie Andrews Celebration last night [more on that later, possibly], it's a bit of a chilled-out day (sheltering from the intermittent rainstorms) here at Dolores Delargo Towers - and, fittingly for that mood, we have a centenary to celebrate! One of the greatest vocal stylists of the 20th century, Mel Tormé was born on this day one hundred years ago.

As the estimable Russell Davies writes in today's The Telegraph:

Marking the centenary of the birth of Mel Tormé is bound to produce reactions ranging from a delighted “Ah!” to a baffled “Who?”, with nothing much in between. Treasured in his time – he died in 1996 – he was not quite a pop-star, not merely a jazz singer, and generally admired rather than loved.

Perhaps his name got in the way. He was born in Chicago 100 years ago this week, to immigrant Jewish parents from what is now Belarus. Their name had been Torma, and it might have been easier to stick to that, rather than add the complication of a French-style acute accent.

Actually it was the British who retained a special affection for Mel, after he’d married one of our glamorous film actresses, Janette Scott. That alliance ended acrimoniously with a court battle over their three children, but while it lasted, it made him the unlikely son-in-law of the redoubtable Thora Hird...(!)

Nicknamed "The Velvet Fog", his smooth style was equally suited to swing, jazz and crooning, and he certainly gave rivals like Nat King Cole and Dean Martin a run for their money when it came to interpreting the classics. In later years, he stuck mainly to the "scat" jazz style (a la Ella Fitzgerald), and kept on performing at festivals across the world until a stroke sadly ended his career. He was also a songwriter, his most famous co-composition being The Christmas Song ("Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire")

Needless to say, that one's not on my radar. However, by way of a tribute, here's a selection of numbers from the man himself:

Mel Tormé - You'd Better Love Me

Mel Tormé - A Foggy Day in London Town

Mel Tormé - Comin' Home Baby

Mel Tormé (13th September 1925 – 5th June 1999)

Dancing to rhythms that make us vibrate

This sort of thing always happens when we go to Wetherspoons...

Yay! The weekend's looming - and it's a busy one ahead. Tonight, Madam Arcati and I will be meeting in our local Wetherspoons for something to eat and then heading off to the lofty environs of "Ally Pally" (Alexandra Palace) for the BBC's Friday Night is Music Night tribute concert for Dame Julie Andrews, tomorrow it is The Last Night of the Proms on telly (so I need to dig the Union Jacks out!), and on Sunday we're off to the dinky Park Theatre for An Evening With Julian Clary!

I'll need a day off after all that excitement.

Meanwhile, let's get the party started - French House style - and Thank Disco It's Friday!

French Affair - My Heart Goes Boom (La Di Da Da)

Oh, mon amour, laisse to toucher
Caresser ta peau
Sa me fait rever
Danser sur des rythmes qui nous font vibrer
Je t'aime pour toujour et sa tu le sais

Apparently.

Have a great weekend, dear reader!

Meanwhile...

...in Norway:

...in Ireland:

...in Canada:

...in Romania:

...and in France:

[Thanks, Jen!]

The joys of travel.

Don't push too far

[Are you sure? - Ed.]

Among another assemblage of "names" including Karl Lagerfeld, Siobhan Fahey, Colin Firth, Guy Ritchie, Ryan Phillippe, "Diddy" David Hamilton, José Feliciano, Arnold Palmer, Beryl Cook, footballer Jack Grealish, Sir Thomas Allen, Don Powell from Slade, Judy Geeson, Margaret Trudeau and (ahem) Johnnie Fingers, it's the birthday today of Miss Carol Decker [not pictured above]!

With her band T'Pau, she ruled the airwaves in the 1980s, with "karaoke classics" such as these:

T'Pau - Heart and Soul

T'Pau - China in Your Hand

Don't push too far, your dreams are china in your hand
Don't wish too hard because they may come true
And you can't help them
You don't know what you might have set upon yourself
China in your hand

Memories, indeed.

There's probably not a single person from my generation who couldn't sing along to that..!

There’s hours of fun inside

A 50th birthday book created for Jeffrey Epstein of messages from the great and good to their favourite millionaire pimp will make an ideal gift this Christmas.

The book, reproducing the famous original put together by convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell, is the ideal gift for the family member obsessed with online celebrity paedophile conspiracy theories who likes something to leaf through.

Publisher Hachette said: “Whether you’re deciphering Bill Clinton’s depravity through his handwriting, poring over photos of Peter Mandelson in a bathrobe or marvelling that Donald Trump forged his exact signature, there’s hours of fun inside.

“Yes, whether childish drawings of Epstein being massaged by topless women or claims that he took an anonymous woman to sit on the throne of England, it’s more interesting than Gareth Southgate’s memoir and will last longer than a Richard Osman.

“Flip through and enjoy the vast array of celebrities paying tribute to a man who made no secret of his preference for underage women. Some of them even supplied them.”

But early reviewer Norman Steele said: “This is shit. I thought they’d all be in there: Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, Prince Andrew, Tony Blair, coded messages revealing Epstein didn’t kill himself and where his gold was buried. Instead it’s all barely-known New York financiers.

“All this proves is the leader of the free world is definitely guilty of serious sex crimes. Typical Christmas cash-in.”

The Daily Mash.Of course.

[The "real" story]

That is not my dog

Sigh. Here we go again.

After another all-too brief weekend, enjoying some much-needed warmer weather, it's time to work out if - or more likely (as I hate working from home) how - I'm going to get to the office during yet another strike by those greedy bastards in the Tube drivers' union!

Meanwhile, a celebration...

The Goon Show, The Ladykillers, I'm Alright Jack, The Millionairess, "Balham - Gateway to the South", Two-Way Stretch, Dr. Strangelove, After the Fox, What’s New Pussycat, Being There, Murder by Death... Many and varied were the roles played (in some of my all-time favourite films and productions) by one of this country's funniest ever actors, Mr Peter Sellers, whose centenary is is today.

However, it's for one classic role for which he is undoubtely best known - "Inspector Clouseau" in the Pink Panther films, from the best of which came these two brilliant scenes:

Does your dog bite? [The Pink Panther Strikes Again]

The Pavlova of the Parallels [The Pink Panther Strikes Again]

Yes, he was completely mad. Yes, he made life difficult for a number of people he worked with (and lived with). However, anyone who can make me laugh until the tears run down my face and my ribs hurt is OK in my book!

I haven't forgotten it's a Tacky Music Monday, either, dear reader - what more appropriate number could fit that slot today but this?

Peter Sellers and Sophia Loren - Goodness Gracious Me

Boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom,
Well, goodness gracious me!

Indeed

All hail, Peter Sellers (born Richard Henry Sellers, 8th September 1925 – 24th July 1980)

[NB Remarkably, he shared his birthday with fellow "Goon" Harry Secombe, as well as another odd assortment of "names" including Asha Bhosle, Antonín Dvořák, Patsy Cline, Siegfried Sassoon, Martin Freeman, Sir Peter Maxwell Davies, Sid Caesar, Pink, Judith Hann, Bernie Sanders, Lady Margaret Hodge, Avicii and Richard the Lionheart!]

Have a good week, folks.

September in Estonia

It's a dull, overcast - but still warm - day here at Dolores Delargo Towers, and I'm having a bit of a lazy one. I've taken a few salvia cuttings ['tis the season], but apart from that...

Let us instead have a little trip off somewhere exotic - Estonia, of all places - shall we, courtesy of the "world of wonder" that is Soft Tempo Lounge:

Els Himma - Veerev Päev (September)

A number that wouldn't be out of place on a Tacky Music Monday, methinks, and one that raises many questions. Was the cameraman drunk? Why does everyone look so bored? Did they not have hairbrushes in Estonia in the 1970s? What the fuck is that bit of parcel ribbon dangling from her split ends?!

It's perfect.

Of sci-fi geeks, rainbow rebellion, a gay barman, incompetent councils and "You can fill my hole again"

Now that's what I call a weapon!

It's another snippets post today. dear reader:

• The dark side of the Force news: Darth Vader’s lightsaber has been sold for £2.7million at auction - making it the most expensive Star Wars prop in history. Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man suit, Indiana Jones' bullwhip and holster, and the Platform 9¾ sign from Harry Potter all surpassed their expected sale price. There's some rich geeks out there...
• 90s student bedsit music news: After seven years of inactivity, Radiohead has announced a reunion tour. I wonder how all that teenage angst will go down, now they're all in their 50s?
• Plucky gays news: A rainbow road crossing ("crosswalk") in Orlando that formed part of the memorial for victims of the Pulse gay nightclub massacre in 2016 has become a pivot for rebelliousness. Florida's governor - and grade-A cunt - Ron DeSantis ordered it to be overpainted, and protestors keep using chalk to colour it in again, despite the fact he sent in the state troopers to make arrests. I hope his blood pressure goes into overdrive!
• Guess who's pulling your pint today? news: Film star Rupert Everett has lent his support to a campaign to save his local village pub, doing shifts behind the bar. I can't wait to hear him say "Hotpot, Ken?"
• Bureaucratic incompetence news: A non-smoker who lives in London has been fighting a £433 penalty and conviction for "dropping a cigarette butt" - 200 miles away in Manchester! You really couldn't make it up...

• Oldest bitch in town news: Farewell Baddie Winkle, nonagenarian model, influencer and internet personality, whose unforgettable slogan was "Stealing your man since 1928"...
• And finally... Among another mismatched list of fellow celebrants that includes the peerless Sylvester, Idris Elba, Tim Henman, Jo Anne Worley, Macy Gray, Spitting Image creator Roger Law, Greg Rusedski, Mathew Horne, Pippa Middleton, Emily Maitlis, CeCe Peniston and - erm - Buster Bloodvessel of Bad Manners, troubled tabloid fodder and founder member of Atomic Kitten, Kerry Katona is 45 years old today. Although she'd left the group by the time this became the girls first #1 hit - and was edited out of later versions of the video in favour of her replacement - here is the original:

Atomic Kitten - Whole Again

I love that song - unsurprisingly, since it was written by Andy McCluskey of OMD - and have happy memories of seeing the girls (minus Kerry) perform it live at the post-Pride festival [when such a thing still existed] at Finsbury Park way back in 2001. We, of course, changed the lyrics to "You can fill my hole again". As you do.

And the weather? Windy, but lovely and warm. The garden's been watered, and all's right with the world. Apart from the "demon children" next door, of course.

Never fade from my mind, yeah-ay

It's so simple, you sissy Marys!

Thank fuck for that! First weeks back after a lovely time off are always horrible, but this week has been a nightmare. I'll be glad to see the back of it, and the clock is ticking...

To cheer the mood, especially after all the yucky stormy autumnal weather we've been having this week, today and the rest of the weekend are forecast to see a return to warmer temperatures and sunshine. Yay! Here's something suitably sunny to get the party started - Thank Disco Vocal House It's Friday!

Solu Music ft. Kimblee - Fade

Great song, terrible video. I doubt that's the real vocalist, either.

Have a great weekend, dear reader!

Pants!

As the most successful Italian couturier in history Signor Giorgio Armani has today departed for the glittering catwalks of Fabulon, here's a reprise of a post I did in tribute to the great man on his 90th last year:

As famous for underpants, watches and accessories as for his sharp suits, his was the style of choice for generations of stars of music, sport and the silver screen, politicians, dignitaries and even the Milanese police force.

Facts about Signor Armani:

• He was born in the northern Italian town of Piacenza, of Armenian and Italian descent.
• After military service as a young man, he became a window dresser at La Rinascente department store in Milan.
• Having worked on a freelance basis for myriad designers including Zegna, Cerruti and Loewe, the first pieces he designed under his own name were a series of leather bomber jackets in 1970.
• While building his fashion empire, he also designed costumes for more than one hundred films including American Gigolo and The Untouchables.
• When in 1975 he brought out a womenswear line using men's fabrics, he set the wheels in motion for the "power dressing" look that became synonymous with the 80s.
• Among his many commissions, he designed the costume worn by Spanish bullfighter Cayetano Rivera Ordóñez, the suits for the England football team (twice), and the cover of a book of gospels for the Pope.
• By the time of his death, his fortune was estimated at six billion pounds!

So world-famous was Giorgio Armani, he was name-checked in loads of songs, from rap to pop to musical theatre. Not least this one:

Pet Shop Boys - Paninaro

Ah, ah, Armani, indeed.

RIP Giorgio Armani (11th July 1934 - 4th September 2025)

For a crime of this magnitude the budget is unlimited

"I don't get it, Ted."

You never thought it would happen to you, but it has: you’ve seen a tweet which could be viewed as an incitement to violence. Time to call the police.

Dial 999
There is another number for the police, 118 118 or something, but this is as much of an emergency as a body on the hearthrug with a fresh knife in the back. They need to act immediately to make sure the perpetrator is caught and does not tweet again.

Explain this is no mere theft or burglary
When a constable finally answers with a bored ‘Sorry about your iPhone, here’s your incident number’ explain this is no simple phone snatching, mugging or burglary, all of which are victimless crimes untraceable by forensic methods though Find My iPhone is giving an exact address. This is far more serious.

Explain this is actual violence
Read the contents of the tweet down the phone in a hushed, scandalised voice and wait for the gasp of horror, if not the thud of a dead faint, on the other end. Then wait for the shout of ‘All units – roll out!’

Explain this is ‘actual violence’, not actual violence
The police may be concerned this is some kind of street attack, drunken brawl or domestic assault, all of which they are not particularly keen on. Explain your definition of ‘actual violence’ is the online one with no physical element whatsoever and they’ll make it a priority.

Alert police that the fugitive may be attempting to escape justice
If there is a risk of the perpetrator – we may as well call them ‘the murderer’ as that’s what it essentially was – is trying to escape the law by being in a foreign country, then Border Control need to be involved. Suggest they give Interpol a call. Remind them that for a crime of this magnitude the budget is unlimited.

Monitor for arrests
You can’t feel safe until an arrest is made. Luckily, unlike in cases involving theft or physical assault, the police won’t delay interminably until all evidence is lost and the CPS informs you the case is dropped. The killer will soon be behind bars.

Ask for your incident number
And, now justice has been done, it’s time for you to get your bit. Get your incident number and call your insurer – home, life, car, it doesn’t matter. Tell them there’s been a crime and when they ask ‘What have you lost?’ pause dramatically and say ‘Everything.’

The Daily Mash

Of course.

The real story is genuinely not funny - the creator of Father Ted Graham Linehan was arrested by five armed police officers, straight off a flight from holiday, and interrogated over two tweets he sent about challenging "a trans-identified male" in "a female-only space". Understandably, this has caused a massive press and political backlash about use of excessive force and freedom of speech. Too fucking right it should, too!