For a crime of this magnitude the budget is unlimited

"I don't get it, Ted."

You never thought it would happen to you, but it has: you’ve seen a tweet which could be viewed as an incitement to violence. Time to call the police.

Dial 999
There is another number for the police, 118 118 or something, but this is as much of an emergency as a body on the hearthrug with a fresh knife in the back. They need to act immediately to make sure the perpetrator is caught and does not tweet again.

Explain this is no mere theft or burglary
When a constable finally answers with a bored ‘Sorry about your iPhone, here’s your incident number’ explain this is no simple phone snatching, mugging or burglary, all of which are victimless crimes untraceable by forensic methods though Find My iPhone is giving an exact address. This is far more serious.

Explain this is actual violence
Read the contents of the tweet down the phone in a hushed, scandalised voice and wait for the gasp of horror, if not the thud of a dead faint, on the other end. Then wait for the shout of ‘All units – roll out!’

Explain this is ‘actual violence’, not actual violence
The police may be concerned this is some kind of street attack, drunken brawl or domestic assault, all of which they are not particularly keen on. Explain your definition of ‘actual violence’ is the online one with no physical element whatsoever and they’ll make it a priority.

Alert police that the fugitive may be attempting to escape justice
If there is a risk of the perpetrator – we may as well call them ‘the murderer’ as that’s what it essentially was – is trying to escape the law by being in a foreign country, then Border Control need to be involved. Suggest they give Interpol a call. Remind them that for a crime of this magnitude the budget is unlimited.

Monitor for arrests
You can’t feel safe until an arrest is made. Luckily, unlike in cases involving theft or physical assault, the police won’t delay interminably until all evidence is lost and the CPS informs you the case is dropped. The killer will soon be behind bars.

Ask for your incident number
And, now justice has been done, it’s time for you to get your bit. Get your incident number and call your insurer – home, life, car, it doesn’t matter. Tell them there’s been a crime and when they ask ‘What have you lost?’ pause dramatically and say ‘Everything.’

The Daily Mash

Of course.

The real story is genuinely not funny - the creator of Father Ted Graham Linehan was arrested by five armed police officers, straight off a flight from holiday, and interrogated over two tweets he sent about challenging "a trans-identified male" in "a female-only space". Understandably, this has caused a massive press and political backlash about use of excessive force and freedom of speech. Too fucking right it should, too!