Thursday 11 March 2021

Unsuitable coat weather

Is the long lockdown winter finally over? Have we begun our long, wet, dull, Easter egg-eating lockdown spring? These are the signs:

Loads of twats out and about
You might have seen the population of your town double in recent weeks, with twats turning up in their droves to trample on daffodils, chat shit at each other and generally ruin the park for everyone else. Their winter hibernation is over and their cries of ‘Nah bollocks mate’ echo over our hills once again.

Bloody hay fever’s coming on
No, that tickle in your throat isn’t Covid and nor is it a cold, because you’ve been nowhere and seen no-one. It’s just your body’s immune system firing on all cylinders because you’ve inhaled a tiny bit of tree pollen. Enjoy the misery of the next six months.

Bastard joggers everywhere
2021 was a year for postponing resolutions, but now the weather’s less paralysingly bleak pavements are filling with red-faced middle-aged men in tight-fitting lycra, who will absolutely not move out of the way for a pram or wheelchair.

Unsuitable coat weather
In these awkward weeks, putting on your winter coat will make you sweat like Prince Andrew would if he only could, while donning a light jacket will see you blue-knuckled as you hug it round yourself. You might consider a gilet, if you don’t mind looking like a wanker who owns an organic winery and two black labradoodles.

The house is a tip
Daylight streaming in makes dusty skirting boards and wine-stained carpets a lot harder to ignore. You’re still not going to do anything about it, but insisting cobwebs are environment-friendly extra insulation is wearing thin.

Some miserable bugger saying ‘Spring gets earlier every year’
The most obvious sign that spring is upon us is a miserable old bastard complaining that the crocuses are coming out earlier and earlier, and soon the Earth will be transformed into a fireball which can no longer sustain human life. I mean yeah, but aren’t they pretty?

The Daily Mash

Of course.

8 comments:

  1. I saw an old lady stood at a bus stop this morning, she was wearing a lightweight fleece (beige), which is a sure sign that spring is coming.

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    1. I bet she had four layers of Damart on under it, though. Jx

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  2. My coat has been on and off and on and off and on again every time I've been out for a walk recently. And just now, up at the allotment, I've been in and out and in and out of the shed because of the blasted rain!

    P.S. Joggers should only be allowed if they look like that one in your smelly llamas post at the weekend.

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    1. On Sunday and again on Tuesday I was in shirt-sleeves out the back, but today the wind is cutting like an icy knife. Hey ho. The plants don't seem to mind - almost all our fuchsias appear to have survived that Big Chill last month, every pot of bulbs is up and wallflowers are in bud, so there's plenty to look forward to. Jx

      PS "Smelly Llamas" sounds like a bad student band. I do agree though about that particular gif - I'm starting a sweepstake for who spots the first shirtless jogging totty of the season...

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  3. Nah, Spring only begins in Devon when we discard our wellies, which is sometime in May. I'm still wearing my Winter coat - I think it might be stitched on to me?
    Sx

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    1. Being born in Wales, and having lived in Devon, I know that in some years there is very little difference between the seasons - it's either cold rain or slightly warmer rain! Jx

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  4. The Daily Mash is spot on as always, especially the' Unsuitable coat' bit.

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    1. ...and the bit about "bastard joggers"! Jx

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