Sick of being bombarded with information that pretends to be helpful but is utterly useless? Here are the most pointless examples.
Out for delivery
We’ve all clicked on a parcel tracking link hoping for a map of where the driver is and how long until they arrive, only to see ‘out for delivery’, which they’ve already f**king emailed us with. Maybe add some equally useful information like ‘It’s coming in a van!’.Software update percentages
Frustratingly meaningless. It takes 20 seconds to reach 80 per cent, then another 10 minutes to get to 100 per cent. Or much, much longer if you’re keen to play an exciting new game or use your computer. Replace it with a spinning black circle and the words: ‘Nope, still not done’.Being told ‘your call is very important to us’
No it isn’t. And you don’t even know what the call’s about. We could be the worst kind of time-wasting idiot who phones the council to complain about BBC sitcoms.Kills up to 99.9 per cent of germs
We’re not idiots, you know. Anything that says ‘up to’ is just covering your backs legally. And what about the 0.1 per cent of germs that survive? 0.1 per cent of a billion is still a million – that’s an awful lot of germs hanging around ready to kill you when your guard’s down.Prices on airline websites
The prices of flights with no-frills airlines bear as little relation to the truth as anything Boris Johnson says at PMQs. Once the extra costs are added, they might as well just put in random numbers.Online reviews
Is that person who’s orgasmically happy with their new vacuum cleaner being paid to write the review, or is there just not much going on in their life? Either way it’s not much help to you. Then there are the negative reviews from dunces who can’t understand why a £159.99 laptop doesn’t work like a MacBook Pro.
Of course.
Jon, your information about information that pretends to be helpful but is utterly useless, is useful.
ReplyDeleteThis is the standard of English up with which I will not put. Jx
DeleteWe're currently out at this time but will return shortly to comment.
ReplyDeleteAll our lines are busy at the moment. Thank you for holding. Jx
DeletePaying lip service to actual service? Welcome to America.
ReplyDelete"Have a nice day y'all!" Jx
DeleteI found this post to be orgasmically thrilling, possibly the best post I have ever read - I now couldn't live without it. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteSx
Crikey, now I sound like a spammer.
DeleteSx
You're not trying to get me interested in "best escorts in Bangalore" again, are you? I'll need to switch on comment approval if this keeps up... Jx
DeleteWhat are you saying? That these companies *don't* value my call, and couldn't give two figs about me??
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to rethink my whole outlook on life now. And stop calling random companies for validation and to feel needed. Waaaaaaaaahhh!!!
Try combining a couple of these and get put on hold by Ryanair while trying to offer a gushing review of their software... Jx
Deleteand after you're on hold for 20 minutes being told "your call is important to us", you get stuck with the dullest knife in the block on the other end of the call. this person has NO fucking clue of how to help you!
ReplyDeleteOr else they transfer you and the line goes dead. Been there. Jx
DeleteI have endured 4 calls to my banks over the last 2 weeks, each more than an hour long, trying to make a very simple change to an account. I still haven't been able to do so, possibly because they keep urging me to fax some information to them. My money is in the hands of people employing the finest in 20th century technology.
ReplyDeleteFax!? Who the hell has a fax machine handy these days? I can't remember the last time I even saw one... Jx
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