Wednesday 3 January 2024

They're calling you a fat twat

The nation’s advertisers have performed their customary about-turn from encouraging over-consumption of all kinds to calling you a fat twat.

As the year changed from 2023 to 2024, advertisers ceased proffering trays of chocolates or party nibbles to instead chastise you for not subscribing to a health programme or joining a gym.

Nathan Muir of Skipton said: “Why have you taken the Tia Maria away? Just two days ago, you were telling me I deserved it and I gratefully concurred.

“Now you’re saying I need a weight loss journey app where I get regular voicemails from doctors, a solid time in a 10k and a Peleton to be happy and fulfilled? When last month it was a tin of Celebrations and a selection of luxury crisps?

“Also it seems to be imperative I book my holiday now. I’m not booking my holiday now. It’s January.”


Media buyer Carolyn Ryan said: “Fat is out, thin is in, throw away everything you bought last month and buy entirely new things for a new life of extreme self-denial.

“I’ve taken up the Big Narstie Slimfast diet. The shakes are alright but I’m struggling to smoke the necessary weed.”
The Daily Mash

Of course.

8 comments:

  1. Just in time for those Resolutions that started Monday and will end by Friday!

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    1. My resolution is never to make any resolutions. Jx

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    2. With you on this, Jon. And Mash deserves a jolly good slurp of gravy!

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    3. I spotted on their Xmas clearance shelves today that M&S do a "Turkey Gravy-flavour Mayonnaise"..! I'm tempted to try it. Jx

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    4. I know! It sounds more Lidl than Marks & Spencer... Jx

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  2. Fortunately, I don't care what advertisers and marketers think I should do or buy! I qualify for all the proper ship metaphors about keeping an even keel and a steady anchor. Most people like the cut of my jib too!

    My New Year's resolution is to "Not die." It seemed to work out for me last year. ;)

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    1. Shame it didn't work for them. Jx

      PS We never ever watch adverts anyway - most of our viewing is from ad-free Auntie Beeb, and anything that's not we either fast-forward or (if on replay) mute the ad breaks.

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