Just up the road from their nan’s

The Cambridges are moving their family to Windsor to live a low-key life in a listed four-bed home in private grounds. Here’s how their lives will be as bog-standard as yours from now on.

They’ll be near the grandparents
George, Charlotte and Louis’ new house is just up the road from their nan’s, so their parents can easily foist them on her, just like an ordinary parent. Yes, their nan just happens to be the reigning monarch. And instead of a bungalow with horrible wallpaper that stinks of cigarette smoke, she just happens to live in a castle with 1,000 rooms – ideal for ‘normal’ games of hide and seek that last two weeks.

They’re downsizing
The cost of living crisis is hitting average people hard. None more so than the Cambridges who will be downsizing from their 20-room pad in central London to a pokey, four-bed cottage with dodgy decor left over from previous owners, such as a ceiling covered with gilded dolphins and a marble Graeco-Egyptian fireplace.

There’s a park nearby
The Cambridges have a modest 655-acre park on their doorstep, where they can do normal things like trout fishing and wandering along paths with cedar trees named after monarchs they are directly related to. Oh, and their family just happens to own it and have private use of it – no queuing for the swings or looking out for smashed bottles and syringes for them, depending on what mischief Uncle Andrew’s getting up to these days.

They’ll be going to a local school
Their new school will be a 15-minute drive away like so many school runs. And they’ll probably be using public transport to get there, in the sense that their luxury Range Rover is funded by taxpayers. At school they’ll be doing a typical curriculum including Latin, bee-keeping and cooking, just like any other average child whose parents fork out £50,000 a year on fees.

They won’t have a live-in nanny
Nanny will no longer be on hand for a quick nose-wipe at any time of day or night, and the Cambridges may also say goodbye to their housekeeper and live-in chef. Actually the staff will still be living very close by and a constant presence, so the children may not even notice they’ve gone. But for the Cambridges it’s the equivalent of going on a life swap show where they live on £51.60 a week and a diet of Super Noodles on a sink estate in Burnley.

They’ll be paying rent
Wills and Kate will have monthly rent to worry about, just like anyone else. Except if the landlord won’t fix the boiler they can pop back to the mansion the Queen gifted them in Norfolk for a spot of tennis on their private court. Or to their 20-room London pad where they once hosted Barack Obama. Just like you and… er, no, that’s just them.

The Daily Mash

Of course.