[click to embiggen, if you dare]
The school summer holidays have begun, ruining these locations for the next six weeks. Stay the fuck away.
Parks
Like a stroll through the park at lunchtime? Not until September you won’t. Lone office workers eating chicken tikka wraps will be glared at by mums as if they’re child predators, frisbees will whack you in the side of the head, and if your dog dares chase a ball the consternation will travel miles. It’s their park now.
Libraries
You pop in to pick up the second volume of whatever bollocks fantasy trilogy you’re reading that you wouldn’t pay for, and there’s fucking kids everywhere. Colouring, singing, being told stories by some luckless prick. None actually reading, you notice. Presumably just being in proximity to books means it’s ‘educational’.
Any historic building
Cathedral, abbey or the former home of angler Isaak Walton: you’re visiting because you have some genuine interest. The kids are there because they started hitting each other with Xbox controllers at home, entrance is free and it’s raining. Good luck appreciating the rood screens in their company.
Art galleries
Whether a provincial gallery showing the unheard-of watercolours of John Sell Cotman or Tate Modern, it’ll be packed with children who could not give a shit. And whether packed into an activity room full of broken crayons or racing around crayoning the walls, they’ll make contemplating a painting entirely impossible.
Starbucks
You fancy a sit-down and a latte. But, selfishly, you’re not a family. So you’re treated as an interloper for taking a whole chair to yourself, bratty kids ask if you’re a hermit and when you’re going because mum wants the table, and you’re forced to overhear conversations about Olivia only biting other children because they provoke her. Get the latte to go.
Your own home
Got kids? Your own home is no longer a place of refuge. Homeworking is now impossible. It’s a climbing frame, an obstacle course and a behavioural experiment for feral children jonesing for their next sugar high. And it’ll be that way until fucking September.
Of course.
Hell, our kids have been out since the first week of June. And the retail store are running back to school advertisements already. Give us the feeling of salvation the brats will be back in school soon.
ReplyDeleteThat's a helluva long summer break! It's no wonder America invented the "summer camp". Jx
DeleteI'm getting pretty good at spotting The Mash. I ewish we had something similar here! I'm getting tired of doing my own! But other than a lack of good satire, we struggle on.
ReplyDeleteI found two - here and here. And then, there's this in The Guardian. Jx
DeleteHere. Jx
DeleteI always snigger when the 'back to skool' adverts appear on the telly - they'll start about next week!
ReplyDeleteSx
I found it terribly depressing to see those signs and adverts when I was a kid. Now, like you, it cheers me up! Jx
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