Give it a rest, lard-arse

Your cat would make rude comments about your weight if it were capable of human speech, it has been confirmed.

Four-year-old tabby cat Wayne Hayes is limited to expressing his disdain for your body through scratches and tail flicks, but clearly thinks you could stand to lose a pound or seven.

Cat whisperer Mary Fisher said: “See how he arches his back and coughs up a fur ball when you open a packet of crisps? That’s his way of saying: ‘Give it a rest, lard-arse.’

“And the way he does an exaggerated bounce when you sit on the sofa? It speaks for itself but that’s him calling you a fat fuck. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, I’m just saying what your cat and everyone else is thinking.

“Wayne isn’t exactly slender himself though, so maybe he’s projecting his internalised fatphobia onto you. That sounds like hypocritical dickhead behaviour, but remember it’s a cat we’re dealing with here.

“Either that or it’s the barrel-shaped bastard’s petty revenge for that one evening when you fed him five minutes later than usual. Cats never forgive their owners for that shit.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.