A man from Batley has been given a substantial fine for cutting his bacon butty in a manner unbecoming of a Yorkshireman.Plumber Norman Steele, 46, was today ordered to pay £600 with 120 hours of community service by a court in Halifax, with the judge describing it as "the worst case of a Yorkshireman getting funny ideas I have ever seen".
Steele’s crime was discovered by his wife when she found him in the kitchen, not under the influence of alcohol or drugs, delicately slicing a sandwich from corner to corner.
Wife Barbara said: “I felt sick. His normal butty is a huge doorstep drowned in ketchup and eaten whole, but this was poncey wholemeal bread arranged neatly on a plate. I could tell it wasn’t the first diagonal sandwich he’d made.
“In all our years of marriage he’s been hiding a creative, sensitive side. I should have realised his head had been turned by fancy Southern ways when he wanted mayonnaise on his chips instead of gravy.
“I feel like such a fool. I’ve moved in with my parents while the divorce goes through.”
Judge Mary Fisher said: “Mr. Steele exhibited a blatant disregard for the bluff, tiresome ways of God’s Own County.
“However I rejected a custodial sentence because I believe Mr Steele was genuine in his desire to make a fresh start in life and not move on to more serious crimes such as focaccia with olives.”
Of course.
In Superdrug during Christmas week, I saw a man pick up a Badedas shower gel, flick open the top and took tentative sniffs at it, before placing it into his shopping basket, the handles of the mentioned shopping basket where in the crook of his arm, this was in Castleford!
ReplyDeleteI'd have followed him around to see if he was eyeing up the Charlie body-spray range as well. Jx
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ReplyDeleteThe Daily Mash is spot on as always and having been to Barnsley this is all quite believable.
Let's not mention the "B" word. Jx
DeleteThat's Parky country in'tit?
DeleteBarnsley's "most famous son", indeed - alongside John Duttine, Jenni Murray, Harry Worth, Alan Barton of Black Lace, Brian Glover and - ahem - Arthur Scargill. Jx
DeleteI haven't cut my sandwiches diagonally in years - this is something my gran used to do. I cut mine criss-cross. I now feel the need to have a diagonal corn beef sandwich, or spam, in memory of times gone by. My roots are up North - I'm sure they would be horrified!
ReplyDeleteSx
Spam! Poor man's pâté. Jx
DeleteI'm having the sudden urge to make some sandwiches and cut them diagonally.
ReplyDeleteThat's your creative, sensitive side, that is. Jx
Delete"Mind you spread the butter right to the corners, young lady!"
ReplyDelete"Why? Yer only gonna cut all the crusts off!"
Posh grub, that. Jx
DeleteThe follies of men...
ReplyDeleteWhat did he expect? Using "poncey wholemeal bread arranged neatly on a plate", indeed! Jx
DeleteI should know better than to try to understand the mysterious ways of you people, but a "butty?"
ReplyDeleteNot as rude as you may think.It's just a sandwich. Also, interchangeable with"sarnie." And the natives where I live (Australia) say "sanger."
DeleteThere are nuances to what goes in a butty, though... It's common to refer to a "bacon butty" or a "chip butty" (which, incidentally, could be a sandwich or a roll), but it would be a cheese or ham "sarnie"/sandwich. Oh, and if that were not confusing enough, dear Peenee, chips over here are fried potato strips cut thickly (so basically a fat version of what the Yanks call "fries").
DeleteTwo great nations, separated only by a common language... Jx