A man is unable to tell if he is enjoying a pint in his favourite boozer or a rowdy nursery for parents and their newborn children.
Norman Steele was left confused by the presence of pub paraphernalia like beer taps and a fruit machine next to crèche shit like mums and dads cradling their incessantly shrieking spawn.
He said: “My senses don’t know what to think. It looks like the same old place where grumpy bastards come to drink their lives away, only there’s prams and colouring pads and tiny bawling humans everywhere. Maybe I’ve gone insane.
“If this was a pub then I should only be able to hear slurred chatter punctuated by the occasional rustling of crisp packets, yet I can distinctly make out the deafening cries of babies and the futile bargaining of their parents.
“On the other hand, a crèche should be filled with exciting toys and colourful furniture. Not a dart board and a floor soaked with American pale ale. The big telly with Sky Sports on it probably wouldn’t go amiss though.”
Mother of one Grace Wood-Morris said: “You’re better off going to a crèche if you want a quiet pint. Me and my friends and our many children are going to be here all day, and Christ knows we need a drink to get through it.”
Of course.
I'm getting pretty good at picking The Mash. Enough to turn a chap teetotal,innit...
ReplyDeleteThe words "family-friendly pub" always fill me with horror. Children should be banned from entering licenced premises. While we're at it, so should "Sky Sports" and "karaoke". Jx
DeleteFamily-friendly is a term that means Toxic Environment. The only thing worse than being surrounded by other people's germ factories are those people who think everybody wants to meet their dog. Sick of both. Get a sitter. Leave 'em at home - have some adult time, ya whiney privileged pikers.
ReplyDelete"Children are like farts. You can just about tolerate your own. Other people's are disgusting." An adage I live by - and since I will never breed, all children are repellent to me!
DeleteI agree with every word you say, Mr Tonking. Leave. Them. At. Home. [Or else, don't go out and inflict them on grown-ups!] Jx
PS Dogs? In places that serve food? Fuck off!
We weren't allowed in pubs when we were kids, were we? We had to stay outside and were grateful if our parents brought us out a bottle of Pepsi and a bag of crisps.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to be an adult so that I could go inside the mysterious pub place, and the mysterious off-licence place - and now these wonderful places are ruined because they allow kids in everywhere. And don't get me started on the smoking ban - and I don't even smoke anymore! Pubs have been ruined.
Sx
I agree wholeheartedly! Pubs should be that last bastion of adults-only spaces (not that kind!). They are not health clubs, nor playrooms nor "family days out". They are - or at least should be - temples to the gods of alcohol, nicotine and unhealthy snacks... Pah! Jx
DeleteSadly this is to true to be funny.
ReplyDeletebut The Daily Mash is spot on as always.
Always! Jx
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