Delicious, moreish nitrates

Studies warn that ultra-processed foods will take years off your life expectancy, to which Britons have responded by opening a packet of Hob-Nobs:

Bacon
For years you believed bacon came simply flayed directly from the pig, but apparently they do stuff like soaking it in salt and delicious, moreish nitrates. While a bacon sandwich may strip three months from you down the line, it gives you a hungover morning back. Who needs an extra three months doddering anyway?

White bread
Wheat, it seems, does not come in boring brown and tasty, sugary white varieties. But are you ready to start eating granary and end up as sanctimonious and delusional as Gwyneth Paltrow? No, life’s too short. Yours especially.

Crisps
Crisps are not found in nature, especially not in sweet chilli flavour. Nobody munching down a bag has any illusions. You could trade it for carrot sticks and hummus but hummus is pretty processed, so may as well stick with the old friend you’ve known will be the death of you for years than mess about.

Every ready meal
What’s the alternative? Cook for yourself? Be Nigel Slater and always have a bowl of asparagus hearts in olive oil you can prepare for a simple ten-minute supper? Bollocks to that. As long as you only have a microwave tikka masala after a 10k run, which you don’t, you’ll be fine.

Breakfast cereal
Nobody imagined Honey Nut Loops were harvested from the wild as is, but what’s the alternative? Bacon’s been ruled out, white bread’s been ruled out, crisps have been ruled out, so what are we meant to eat first thing? Fruit? Have you seen how much fucking about is involved in preparing a single melon?

Instant noodles
This idea that processed food is unhealthy must be bollocks because this is all you ate as a student and you were in the best shape of your life. Explain that, scientists. And you drank a bottle of Merrydown a night.

The Daily Mash

Of course.