Tuesday, 14 January 2020

Royal Soap


[click to embiggen]
Yesterday's Royal face-off was as emotionally charged as Christmas Day at the Queen Vic. Here’s how it went down:
10.40am: Kate arrives wearing a load of crown jewels and a massive cloak carried by her sister Pippa. Imperiously ignores proceedings to go through files of press clippings about how marvellous she is, reading sections aloud.

11.20am: William and Harry go in for a hug for the first time in ages, only for the Duke of Cambridge to attempt to pull his brother’s trousers down and the Duke of Sussex to respond with an atomic wedgie.

12pm: In an immense power play the Queen arrives with all of her handbags, several of her race horses, three bishops and a military truck engine like the ones she assembled in the war.

2pm: Summit officially begins. Meghan, on FaceTime from Vancouver, is flanked by girl squad Amal Clooney, Serena Williams and Canada’s own Alanis Morrisette. They shout ‘you go girl!’ while Meghan sulks that Michelle Obama and Oprah never returned her calls.

2.45pm: Every time Harry is chastised for his unorthodox behaviour, he silently points to Uncle Andrew. Wills joins in with a recurring sneeze that also sounds strangely like the word ‘nonce’.

3.45pm: The Queen agrees to allow the couple to do what they had already announced they were doing anyway because nobody can stop them. In London Piers Morgan collapses to his knees with the sheer weight of the injustice.

4.15pm: Charles pretends to be having a normal conversation with Harry while mouthing ‘Take me with you.’ The pair then visit then nightclub Mahiki before being spotted stumbling arm-in-arm to the Canadian embassy.
The Daily Mash

Of course.

Read more about the "real" The Royals TV show

8 comments:

  1. Yay! They are moving in with Mistress MJ!
    Sx

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    1. She'll be thrilled, until she finds yet another pair of Meghan's tights hanging to dry over the bath. Jx

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  2. Thanks for the play-by-play. No Corgis?

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  3. Strange you should mention Alanis Morrisette I watched her new video 'Reasons I Drink' the other day and I left a comment on YouTube saying the piano intro is almost identical to that of Emile Sande's 'Next To Me' it wasn't published because of it's negative tones, it must have been the 'thieving old bitch' remark that did it.

    As for Henry and Rachel I'd have them put against a wall and shot.

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    1. I have always found Miss Morrisette derivative; she deserves to be called out for it - same as Tori Amos. Let's just not mention the biggest "thieving old bitch" of the lot GaGa, otherwise I may lose my rag.

      HMQ could always ask one of her Saudi mates to sort the "Meghsit" problem. They know how to deal with stroppy relatives.

      Jx

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  4. This Morgan fellow. (I've heard him called "Mouth-organ Morgan"-it seems appropriate.) I looked him up and see he's far too young to have known about our late sister, Margaret's episodes. One is grateful for some things...

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    1. No-one's entirely sure that Piers Morgan is actually human, rather some kind of ghoul, so quite possibly he occupied the body of William Hayley or John Grigg at the time... Jx

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