The Queen is giving Britons an extra bank holiday, five grams of cocaine and a big cake each for her Platinum Jubilee next year. And that’s just to start with:
All bands to reform
Do you dream of seeing the The Jam back together, playing a blistering set? Oasis reunited? The Smiths’ original line-up on stage? That’s happening, by Royal decree, to prove that a career rebelling against the establishment is nothing compared to the threat of beheading.
Smoking in pubs
For one glorious weekend next summer smoking in pubs will be entirely legal again, just as it was for most of ER’s reign. Have a fag at the bar and another on the go at the urinals, and remember how it was when Britain was Great.
A Coronation Street and EastEnders crossover
Mick Carter leaves Walford for a break and arrives in Weatherfield. Meanwhile Shona Platt rocks up at the Queen Vic. Yes, it’s a full summer crossover including affairs, murders, and a pregnancy where the father could be from either soap. Because the people wanted it and the Queen says.
Meghan pranked
The Duchess of Sussex will spend the next 12 months making an earnest, powerful Netflix documentary about self-empowerment – only to learn that the whole thing was a Palace set-up. Everyone involved was an actor, they’ve all been laughing at her and she looks a right twat.
A drug collection
For the Silver Jubilee it was Party Sevens. For the Golden Jubilee it was white cider. For her Platinum Jubilee, in addition to five grams of coke our monarch is also bestowing upon her subjects a quarter of weed, three Es and a tab of vintage acid to be dropped at 7pm, an hour before the fireworks.
A cabinet minister of your choice executed
The Royals love a good execution and it’s been too damn long. So, chosen by a Saturday night BBC show and weekly phone-in, one of Her Majesty’s Government will be executed at her pleasure live from the top of Buckingham Palace before cheering, bloodthirsty crowds.
Of course.
Blimey! I so wish this was true, it would be a blast.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I am not keen on executions and would rather see Matt Hancock in the stocks so that members of the public could throw things at him. I would make do with stealing his favourite pink tie, and his teddy bear - oh, and I would also add some pertinent graffiti to his Damian Hirst spin painting.
Sx
He reminds me of the "class swot" who everyone used to flick rubbers at. Jx
DeleteWhich sort of rubbers?!
DeleteSx
Erasers. We used to call the other sort "dunkies". Jx
DeleteFive grams of cocaine each? You guys may never come down, what with the breaking of wind and everyone getting high again. And who doesn't love Cake?
ReplyDeleteIm in!
All that and smoking in pubs again? I'm giddy at the thought... Jx
DeleteHmmm.. I wouldn't mind a bit of cake. No frosting on mine, please. She's gotten rather progressive in her old age, huh? Kizzes.
ReplyDeleteCertainly not that kind of "frosting", I'd imagine... Jx
DeleteI wish it was true, too! Even the smoking-in-pubs thing despite not being a smoker (it's just not the same being able to see across the room without a noxious smog obscuring the view, and ending the night talking like Phyllis Pearce because of all the passive smoking). I'm not fussed about the drugs thing, though.
ReplyDeleteAnd only one execution?
I'm sure once the public got the taste for it, there'd be one every week. Like X-Factor, except for the fact that Simon Cowell would probably be one of the executees. Jx
DeleteI love The Mash! Reminds me of the old days of Private Eye send-ups.
ReplyDeleteI'll pass on the fags n drugs, thanks.But I'm old enough to remember those days.There were one or two pubs in London where you could get high on someone else's joint!
Some days, when the wind's in the right direction, one can get high just going out of our front door! - we have quite a few "imbibers" in our street... Jx
DeleteGod You should have been in Swiss Cottage in the 60s.Poems, pints, poofs and patchouli. The fellow who delivere weekend papers used to take orders for his home made wine...wink, wink.
DeleteI can only imagine. I was just seven years old when the 60s ended. Jx
DeleteIf only !
ReplyDeleteA pint in one hand and a fag in the other, Bliss
Happy memories... Jx
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