Britain is unsuitable for human life, it has been confirmed.
Amid blade-like freezing gales that can actually slice your nose off, international aid agencies have offered to evacuate the population using helicopters.
A Red Cross spokesman said: “We want to get as many people out as possible, then we’ll figure out how to distribute them across nicer places, like Spain and Portugal.
“In the meantime, just stay inside. Do not attempt to leave the house or even look out of the window, it’s far too psychologically damaging.”
Stephen Malley, from Doncaster, said: “I’m sure this country is like a giant haunted house, it’s evil spirit trying everything it can to drive us out.”
Of course.
Which helicopter are you on? They've sent a Sea King for us (I was hoping for a Chinook) and I think we'll be off to the south of France?
ReplyDeleteMine's the Eurocopter Hermès EC 135, and we'd be headed for Benalmadena (possibly with a stop at Biarritz or somewhere gorgeous and warm). Jx
DeleteOoh, you lucky cow!
DeleteI wish. Mind you, it is only seven weeks till we'll be in Andalusia for real! The aircraft will be considerably less luxurious, of course. Jx
DeleteEdie McClurg (American Character Actress/Comedienne) once said when portraying Ann Landers (American Advice Columnist located In Illinois): The wind off of Lake Michigan today was so fierce it was forcing the mucous right back up into my nose"
ReplyDeleteI identify with that. Jx
DeleteOh dear! By the picture I was worried some evil force had delivered you to the US state of Wyoming! They do not take kindly to anything foreign, gay or outside the color schemes of grays and browns. Stay safely tucked inside if you can't make your way somewhere warm and pleasant down South. Oh, that sounds naughty.
ReplyDeleteOur forecast models are all over the place for next week. We might get four feet of snow, or three days of electrical storms, or possibly a raining down of Giant Pacific Octopuses.
I vow, with every breath in my body, that I shall never, ever go anywhere near Wyoming. Jx
DeleteI can't wait for the thaw - i haven't been able to use my washing machine in over a week. Meanwhile, I will hitch a lift to the South of France with Mr Devine, so long as he can stand the smell of my socks.
ReplyDeleteSx
Our washing machine is indoors, and works just fine. Is yours in the garden, Ms Scarlet? Jx
DeleteIt may as well be! Due to some plumbing issues, and a disappearing plumber, we haven't had heating in the kitchen and utility room for the last couple of years. This is fine in the kitchen as it's naturally warm and I can top it up with the fan heater [thank goodness for solar panels], but the utility room is as cold as the garden and the pipe to the washing machine freezes! This is the longest I've gone not being able to use it.
DeleteSx
Heavens. Positively Victorian... Jx
Delete* scoops up a clothes peg with which to hold nostrils closed *
Delete{{sprays Febreze liberally}} Jx
DeleteI note that the Trumpster has such a whirlibird,Jon, so I hope you're not scooped up by him!
ReplyDeleteI shall check closely for orange stains. Jx
DeleteYes it would be lovely to get the Hermès copter to stop of in the south of France to visit our chums on the way to Malaga.
ReplyDelete