Baffled

A woman has been found who has no specific dietary requirements, scientists have confirmed.

Researchers are baffled by Donna Sheridan, aged 34, who appears to be able to consume a standard range of human foodstuffs without making a big fucking song and dance about it.

Dietician Helen Archer said: “Donna is, amazingly, capable of perusing a menu without launching into an explanation of how she doesn’t eat dairy because humans can’t digest lactose and no other species consumes the milk of other mammals, even though no other species makes pizza either and we eat that.

“She also failed to tell any kind of anecdote about being allergic to nuts, how peanuts are actually a legume, or to be toying with veganism.

“Later in the meal, Donna neglected to discuss at length how gluten affects her digestion and how buckwheat bread is just as nice as real bread even though it looks and tastes like a house brick.

“Finally, we observed Donna not indignantly asking the waiter why the beef lasagne wasn’t available without the beef, before eschewing the jackfruit burger. We don’t know how she can exist, but we’re confident it can’t be recreated in laboratory conditions.”

Sheridan said: “I enjoy eating food. I know. Shameful.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.