Saturday 30 September 2023

Rules of the road don't apply?

My kind of cyclists

Riding a bicycle means you can ignore rules that apply to other road-users, like cars, motorbikes, buses or pedestrians. Cyclist Tom Logan explains:

Riding on the pavement
A bike is like a Transformer – it gets the best of both worlds. On the road? You should be accorded the same respect as a car. Road busy? Mount the pavement and you’re a two-wheeled pedestrian. After all, it’s not like you’ve got a polluting motor. Nobody complains about wheelchairs on the pavement, do they?

Optional traffic lights
I’m all in favour of cyclists stopping at red lights if they need a bit of a breather. It sets a good example to motorists, after all. But it’s by no means a necessity and they’re a better judge of whether it’s safe to go through or not than any mere system of lights. And come on, there’s no law against it.

Warning others of your approach
It’s your duty, whether you’re in a car or on foot, to be alert for cyclists. A full-grown man in Lycra riding a £1,500 carbon-fibre hybrid can’t be ringing a little bell like he’s an eight-year-old girl. If you don’t move out of the way fast enough and you’re hit by a cyclist, you’re fully liable. That helmet cam will have recorded all the evidence and it’ll be on Instagram.

Ignoring one-way signs
Those restrictions are for idiots driving death machines, not sober, responsible cyclists. We’re above all that, and have a perfect right to weave in and out of oncoming traffic to show off our silky skills. If you hit us you’ll lose their licence, and it’ll be your own fault when you have to get the bus to work.

Cars are forbidden from passing each other in the inside lane, and rightly so, the ignorant, dangerous petrolheads. It’s different for cyclists because we’re so much more important. Yes, drivers find it humiliating and emasculating when we zips by as you wait in traffic, and so you should. You’re inferior by every measure that counts.

Being visible
If a cyclist wants to wear six lights, flashing aggressively and confusing everyone, on their hi-viz that’s their right. If they want to wear all black and go lights-free like a stealth bomber, it remains a cyclists’ prerogative. They’re our roads. We merely allow you to share them.

The Daily Mash

Of course.


  1. The Mash. Of course. I stopped at the lights the other day, second car in line and a cheeky bugger pedalled past, steadied himself against car in front and was off like dose of salts when the light was green.

  2. Cycling Wankers outnumber the responsible ones three to one around here. Early on Wednesday morning - i.e. it was relatively dark - I was walking into work and only saw two cyclists with lights and hi-vis gear. Out of six! Three of the other four came zooming around a corner - on the pavement that I was walking on - in order to evade a red light and had the audacity to scowl at me for being in their way!
    They're frogs now. Or some other small creature with a short lifespan.

    1. Please pass on that spell! Does it also work on those twats on electric scooters, and those silent-but-deadly electric bikes Deliveroo/Just Eat couriers use? Bing it on! Wood Green will be hopping with amphibians... Jx

  3. Bloody e-scooters!!!!!!!!!!! When the hire money runs out they just leave them, like road-kill! Yes, pplease share your spell!

    1. Over here, practically every pavement, path or cut-through has one of those bikes-for-hire (Lime, usually) dumped in it, blocking access so some other poor sod has to move it. We live in an increasingly unregulated world, more's the pity. Jx

  4. Here is an odd one - I hate most cyclists but love Lycra !
    Mash hits the nail on the head again.

    1. I don't like either - but I agree with you on The Mash, Jx


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