Maiming power

Fireworks are once again being snapped up by the sorts of people least suited to using them.

Teenagers, morons and adults planning to set them off while incredibly drunk are all going to their local firework-selling establishment and stocking up.

Jack Browne, 18, said: “Isn’t it mad that you can go to a dodgy shop and legally buy a fuckload of explosives? And by ‘mad’ I mean ‘brilliant’.

“You wouldn’t let a twat like me buy a lump of Semtex over the counter, but in the right circumstances these have got just as much maiming power. It’s not even Bonfire Night and I’ve got more gunpowder than a box of shotgun shells under my arm. While smoking a fag.

“Every autumn people moan there should only be official displays and yet the law never changes. Long may it last. Well, at least as long as I’m interested in letting rockets off down quiet residential streets and scaring the shit out of old people and animals.”

Oliver O’Connor, 39, said: “My mates love my annual fireworks party. They look forward to getting hammered in my kitchen before stumbling outside to watch me ham-fistedly set off 30 fireworks from a four-metre-square back yard.

“Is it dangerous? Yeah, I've almost blown my face off by returning to a misfiring Catherine Wheel. But it’s a great British tradition and that trumps everything else. If someone loses an eye it’s like Nelson.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.