Tuesday 11 May 2021

Clammy, deeply uncomfortable physical contact

The government has confirmed that awkward English hugs neither party is comfortable with are permitted from next week.

Britons are bracing themselves to once again be compelled to embrace relatives, friends and friends’ partners for a brief, self-conscious moment before disengaging while looking in different directions from May 17th.

Eleanor Shaw, aged 32, said: “The social minefield of acquaintance-hugging has been officially restored and I for one am cringing in anticipation.

“Nobody ever knows how to approach it. Before distancing rules I was constantly going in for a hug at the wrong moment, tensing in discomfort and then suffering a dry peck on the cheek.

“How long should the hug last? Am I compelled to hug friends’ boyfriends just because I hug the friend? Will Mum still use it to check how much weight I’ve put on? Will Dad still stiffen in terror?”


Joe Turner of Basildon agreed: “Clammy, deeply uncomfortable physical contact is surely something Chris Whitty could come out and delay for a few months. We’d accept it, as a nation.

“Let’s leave hugging until say October. We’ve got the pub.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story]

10 comments:

  1. Much like Parker Posey on Will and Grace...I was always like "NO, you invading my personal space." while drawing a box around me.

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    1. Never watched Will & Grace, but I do know what you mean about maintaining personal space. All this continental-style hugging and cheek-kissing... What the hell is wrong with a good old-fashioned handshake?! Jx

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  2. I wouldn't say no to a big strapping lad giving me a squeeze. Jack and Karen are the real stars of Will and Grace, I was never all that fond of Will I found him to be too domineering and creepy.

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    1. That kind of squeeze would be most welcomed - no social niceties involved!

      I found Will & Grace too annoying; all that canned laughter - so I switched it off after about five minutes and never watched it again. Jx

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  3. Hugs? I am too small for such physical entanglements, and it never ends well.
    Sx

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    1. You need to stand on a box to hug someone?! Jx

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  4. I agree with Joe Turner of Basildon, and would be quite happy to continue social distancing forever (with exceptions for any big, strapping lads that Mitzi might be too inundated to deal with).

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    1. I'll be taking a sanitiser spray with me whenever I use the Tube. If used properly, it acts like mace if anyone gets too close. Jx

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