Adele has announced that she is releasing a new album of heartbroken songs with which listeners can shed 30 pounds in just 12 weeks.
30, which is expected before Christmas, combines the singer’s defiant ballads of love turned sour with a diet and exercise programme which promises to give all her fans the new svelte Adele look.
She said:“I’ve been through a divorce, I’ve been through heartbreak, and I’m looking better than ever. And now you can too.
“Songs like Hurts So Much (Can’t Eat A Thing) and 5k Walks In The Rain will have listeners sobbing in empathy while subconsciously imitating me and watching their weight fall off.
“You’ll weep the pounds away and be in a size 10 by January, and that’s the Adele guarantee.”The cover of the album will show Adele, shot in sepia soft-focus, wiping away a tear while holding out the waistband of a pair of her old trousers to demonstrate how much weight she has lost.
It is expected to battle for chart supremacy with Ed Sheeran’s new self-help album, I Became A Billionaire With Just A Guitar And No Discernable Talent… And You Can Too!
Of course.
Ed Sheeran is nearly as good as George Ezra - they both put nursery rhymes to music.
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Neither of them should ever have been let near a microphone. Jx
DeleteWell, if I can lose a quick five listening to it, Ill get it. And a good chuckle this am.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I like the plucky Adele better.
To be honest, so did I. Now she looks like any other chav trollop from Tottenham! Jx
DeleteI need to be beach ready by November, but I'm worried about side effects, will I get the urge to dress in frumpy frocks that my gran might have worn in the 50s or cackle affectedly like a hag, will I pronounce 'overdue' as overdoo and pay less tax by living in America? It is a worry.
ReplyDeleteAh, yes - that classic "beach-ready look"... Jx
DeleteChrist! I clicked that link. DON'T CLICK!
DeleteAnd who is Adele???
OK I googled and see she's MBE. Still means nothing to me.But when will the Mash get a Royal gong? Answer me THAT!
DeleteI believe Adele is rather popular in Oz. "Someone like You", "Rolling in the Deep" and "Hello" were all huge Number 1 hits over there, certified 7x Platinum. You probably do know her, or at least have heard her music on the radio! Jx
DeleteBut where did she dispose of this 30lb lump of herself?? Was it conscientiously recycled and refabricated into a spare Jimmy Krankie (should the unthinkable happen)? Or did she just fly-tip it?
ReplyDeleteDua-Lipa-suction, perhaps? Jx
DeleteSuch a meanie. Adele looks great. Who is the bitch next to her? And Ed has talent... he frightens small children with his elfin ways. Kizzes.
ReplyDeleteCannot bear the Sheeran creature. A bad busker with the looks of a guinea-pig. Jx
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