Wednesday, 23 November 2022

Permanently pissed and making up nonsense

The Supreme Court has today decided that Scotland is not a real place and is just imaginary.

The case has settled the question of whether England is obliged to continue behaving as if there is a whole country to the north of it, and heard from both sides of this long-running argument.

Court reporter Helen Archer said: “Witnesses included Nicola Sturgeon, who claims Scotland is a whole country and she is its Queen.

“But when she was asked how a whole country can have a population equivalent to the Home Counties, she claimed it was mostly empty and full of lochs and glens and Cairngorms, which is clearly nonsense.

“Visitors to Scotland admitted they’d never actually seen anything but mist, the Scottish king James VI turned out to be England’s James I, and the so-called Scottish Premiership only has two teams in it.

“For balance, we heard from Scots – speaking English, mind – claiming their country invented television, steam and Grand Theft Auto, but under cross-examination they admitted the whole population was permanently pissed and making up nonsense.

“The verdict’s finally in. Scotland is nothing but a hoax invented by Northerners to scare their children, and can be disregarded without consequence. As it already was.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story]

12 comments:

  1. Bwahahahahaha , entertaining read, but I still want to go.

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    Replies
    1. Cold and wet all winter, biting midges all summer. It's no wonder they drink so much! Jx

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    2. A couple of my friends moved to the Isle of Skye three years ago, and the photos of gorgeous scenery and skies are outnumbered by far by those of dank, wet, bleak gloom in which one may possibly be able to make out whatever it is they were taking a photo of. Maybe.

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    3. It may have been wet and miserable here in London, but at least there are things, as opposed to miles and miles of bleakness. Jx

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  2. Yey for Scotland! Home of the shortbread biscuit tin, which can be usefully recycled into a sewing box.
    Sx

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    Replies
    1. ...or a button tin! My Nana had one, and it used to keep us grandkids quiet for hours, playing with the sparkly ones. Jx

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  3. And that’s from the Daily Mash, Scotland's two-faced hammer.

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    Replies
    1. "A' ye, wha mell an' chisel wield, Or mash an' clourer." Apparently. Jx

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  4. Queen Sturgeon !
    She probably would if she thought she could.

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  5. Och! An now ye've got Harry Lauder on me brain. I need a wee deorch an' doris...

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    Replies
    1. Harry Lauder?! Good grief. How old are you, Dinah? Jx

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