Permanently pissed and making up nonsense

The Supreme Court has today decided that Scotland is not a real place and is just imaginary.

The case has settled the question of whether England is obliged to continue behaving as if there is a whole country to the north of it, and heard from both sides of this long-running argument.

Court reporter Helen Archer said: “Witnesses included Nicola Sturgeon, who claims Scotland is a whole country and she is its Queen.

“But when she was asked how a whole country can have a population equivalent to the Home Counties, she claimed it was mostly empty and full of lochs and glens and Cairngorms, which is clearly nonsense.

“Visitors to Scotland admitted they’d never actually seen anything but mist, the Scottish king James VI turned out to be England’s James I, and the so-called Scottish Premiership only has two teams in it.

“For balance, we heard from Scots – speaking English, mind – claiming their country invented television, steam and Grand Theft Auto, but under cross-examination they admitted the whole population was permanently pissed and making up nonsense.

“The verdict’s finally in. Scotland is nothing but a hoax invented by Northerners to scare their children, and can be disregarded without consequence. As it already was.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

[The "real" story]