Thursday 1 December 2022

Baffled

A woman has been found who has no specific dietary requirements, scientists have confirmed.

Researchers are baffled by Donna Sheridan, aged 34, who appears to be able to consume a standard range of human foodstuffs without making a big fucking song and dance about it.

Dietician Helen Archer said: “Donna is, amazingly, capable of perusing a menu without launching into an explanation of how she doesn’t eat dairy because humans can’t digest lactose and no other species consumes the milk of other mammals, even though no other species makes pizza either and we eat that.

“She also failed to tell any kind of anecdote about being allergic to nuts, how peanuts are actually a legume, or to be toying with veganism.

“Later in the meal, Donna neglected to discuss at length how gluten affects her digestion and how buckwheat bread is just as nice as real bread even though it looks and tastes like a house brick.

“Finally, we observed Donna not indignantly asking the waiter why the beef lasagne wasn’t available without the beef, before eschewing the jackfruit burger. We don’t know how she can exist, but we’re confident it can’t be recreated in laboratory conditions.”


Sheridan said: “I enjoy eating food. I know. Shameful.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

18 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Agreed. Makes life so much easier... Jx

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  2. Way back when, before women with specific dietary requirements, there was my mother who would send back the tea if it wasn't in a china cup and/or if it wasn't hot enough. A woman ahead of her time.

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    1. Complaining and sending things back are a national trait here in the UK, too. Dietary requirements are just a modern fad. Everyone has to have one, it seems, just to show off. Jx

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  3. I really don't like drinking tea/coffee in those oversized teacups in M&S and various coffee shops and God forbid if they bring a mug to the table with the tea bag still floating in it, can't they afford teapots?

    Morrisons cafe has gone downhill.

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    1. Morrisons cafe here has become "Market Kitchen" - basically a load of what might as well be food vans at a festival, and a free-for-all to eat at benches, would you believe? Nary a teapot - metal or otherwise to be seen, let alone china cups! Standards have fallen everywhere. Jx

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  4. Sadly, I am one of 'those' people... I'm not picky and I don't call attention to it - but I am careful. I see those my age who don't bother being careful... and NO... I refuse to walk around with that much extra... a big belly can be sexy, yes... but not on my pencil frame. Our relationship with food... it's no different than smoking or booze or pills or sex... except we CAN live without all those others... so choose wisely. Just don't be all hunty about it. Right? Kizzes.

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  5. I do know some people who have a severe allergy to certain things, but I get bloody annoyed with the picky buggers who push little piles of of food to one side and tell me they are "allergic to that."
    But I do enjoy a good serve of Mash! :-)

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    1. There is a big difference between a genuine food allergy, and translating "I don't like that" or "It makes me fart" as being a genuine dietary requirement... Jx

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    2. Oh, dear... I'm one of those. As far as I know, I'm not allergic or intolerant to any food - I just despise most of it! (Except all the things that everyone else is "allergic" to - I love peanuts, bread/cake, dairy, and anything that will make me fat if I eat too much of it)

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    3. There are foods I simply don't like (coconut, raw tomato, liver, couscous, whelks; lordy! - imagine a recipe that called for all of them), but on the whole I'll eat anything... Jx

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  6. *Glares at Jon* Please revisit Donna when she is post-menopausal, let's see how food affects her then as at this stage in life food intolerances can make themselves known, and not necessarily in the gut. I've had to do Covid tests due to my wretched dairy, and durum wheat intolerance - both make my nose run like a tap, or make my ears squelch for a fortnight. It is no fun. I love cheese!!! And don't get me started on the TMJD!!!! Don't worry, I don't eat out anymore, it's not worth the hassle.
    *Slams door on way out*
    Sxx

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    1. Probably safer not to eat out if you have any genuine problems with ingredients. No chef can guarantee there'll be no cross-contamination unless they have the facility to scrub down a separate cooking area/set of utensils. I know. Madame Arcati's a chef. Jx

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    2. Yep. A few years ago I got caught like that.

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  7. Replies
    1. It's what we were all thinking, knowing some of your customer experiences... Jx

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